What are all your friends dying of -- bird flu? You're not even that old, at least according to the calendar, so how is this your time to attend funerals?
And your reasoning about why trick-or-treating was slow doesn't make sense. It's certainly plausible that there aren't as many kids in your neighborhood as there once were, but aren't the houses the same distance apart as they always were? Also, regarding the bookstore Halloween party. When you're making a witty remark, you don't say "The joke is [hyuck hyuck]..." you just make the comment and wait for it to sink in.
And did it ever occur to you that the reason April gets surly sometimes (IF she does; I haven't seen her acting that way recently) is because you treat her like a criminal? Why don't you try TALKING to her, if you're so concerned? I get the definite impression that you're not even concerned about her making an error of judgment. This is just about you wanting to have total. and complete. control over her. And anyway, what's she been doing that's so horrible? Playing music? Doing your work at the bookstore? Being ignored by you, when you took off for the frozen North with Liz the day she came back from the farm? Yeah, she's a real wild child.
And I notice that you claim to be able to relate to April because menopause is exactly the same (which it is not) NOT because you remember what it's like to go through puberty. Or even because you remember what Liz was like at that age. You are mind-bogglingly self-centered. Although you've got it half right about your own emotional surges. You are incapable of reason, although you misspelled "all the time" as "at a moment's notice."
And perhaps you should take a lesson from Ted, instead of analyzing him like he's an interesting freak. YOU get some exercise, and skip the bath. Meanwhile, stop treating April like crap, and your household will be more pleasant.
I can see where Mike gets it from. He has his writing; you have your trains. Although to give you your credit, it sounds like you're quite good at what you do, while Mike's writing is, always has been and always will be, shite.
I will say, though, that your letter is usually the most well-executed out of all of them. You don't create confusion by saying, "Just so you know, something really interesting happened, so I'll tell you about it here rather than have it play out in the strip." As such, I'm okay with you talking about your trains and your jogging.
But I'm not okay with you joining in the chorus of "April is a problem child! Somebody lock her away until she's 18!" When does she cry, anyway? I don't believe we've seen her cry in the strip since Mr. B died. Why are you slandering her? Do you think she appreciates having you talk about her this way? (And yeah, when IS Elly's menopause going to be over?)
Good on you for not tying the comment about wanting to expand the practice to one about not wanting your waistline to expand. But you lose points for not keeping April's private business private.
No, April would not tell you if she was up to something Elly would want to know about. She already knows she can't trust her brother, and by extension, that Elly thinks everything she does is suspect. And why do you phrase it that way, anyway? If she does tell you something disturbing, do you plan to counsel her yourself? Or are you going to purr, "Of course I won't tell Mom," and then the minute you hang up, dislocate a finger dialing Elly?
Also, you have a short memory, babe. Remember when you and Anthony were having your second go-round in high school, and the whole neighborhood was united in spying on you, and calling your parents if they saw the two of you smooching? Remember how angry and frustrated you were? Now, granted, April was quite a blabbermouth at that time, but that doesn't mean two wrongs make a right. If you feel her behavior requires intervention, do so yourself. Don't run and tell John and Elly, who will only react by punishing her.
Also, I'm not sure how the teachers reacting badly to April's clowning would make her unpopular. And I can't imagine that she's heartbroken to finally have teachers who don't see her in your shadow, or Mike's.
And as far as living alone, I'm surprised you think of yourself that way. How can you say you live alone when the whole town invites themselves to your school field trips?
However, your comments about Anthony make me think there may be hope for you yet. You're absolutely right: he did get himself into this situation. Keep that, and the fact that it is not your problem or responsibility, firmly in mind. Besides, I have a feeling that something's going to happen very soon to distract you!
Someone else wrote this letter for you, didn't they. The real letter was along the lines of "Okay, now I get to say something in my defense. I have done nothing wrong. My mom has no reason to spy on me, and my brother was way out of line, telling her how to do it. I am NOT a baby, sister or otherwise, and I will not be treated this way." And so forth, and that's all you talked about. I'm right, aren't I?
Not that I blame you one bit. I bet you didn't stay home to hand out candy of your own accord. Your dad could have done that. You were being punished, right? There was probably a dance at school you should have been at, but your mom wouldn't let you go because they would have been playing that "threatening and cacophonous" music.
The thing is, you should be popular! You're pretty, you're talented, you're nice to people, from what I've seen in the strip, and yes, that does go a long way, and you already have a boyfriend, so other girls shouldn't be paranoid about you. All in all, you should have a healthy social life...if your mom wasn't such an unreasonable shrew. Just have to keep feeding her those muffins, I guess, and when she goes down for the count, your dad will let you do whatever you want, as long as it doesn't interfere with his trains.
That said, your mom wasn't much like this with Liz and Anthony, but your dad was! If IMs had existed at that time, he probably would have been tracking hers. So don't be too quick to assume that you're being treated so differently from your sister. The difference is mainly that it's your mom doing the micromanaging, and you know how THAT goes.
And for your sake, I hope you do get to go to Mtig. Any time spent away from your parents is good, no?
You. Make. Me. SICK! You're stupid. You're a petty, vindictive brat. You don't have a wife; you have a maid/cook/nanny/concubine. AND YOU CAN'T WRITE! But eeknight has already done a stunning analysis of your mirthful meanderings, so go check it out yourself. Use a dictionary for the big words.
P.S. FOAD for helping Elly spy on April. That is none. Of your. Business. Why is it that the only time you take an interest in someone else's life, it's to interfere or hurt them, never to help? I think you're becoming a sociopath.
Why aren't YOU the writer?! Your first three paragraphs were brilliant! Well written AND insightful! The wrong person is up in that attic.
But do you really buy that crap about how a dog just HAPPENED to tear apart the bags with the plaster in them, just a day or two after Mike's column appeared? Much less that Lovey would immediately say, "That's ceiling plaster! And it came from the K's apartment! Specifically, from their HALLWAY ceiling! And I know exactly how much it will cost to repair!"?
Meanwhile, why can't your husband (remember him?) deal with the crisis of running out of milk? Aaah, don't answer that...
I gotta say, I wish everyone could be so tolerant towards April. Or tolerant in general. Good for you, man. Seriously.