howtheduck (howtheduck) wrote in binky_betsy,

The Pets' Letter, March 2010

The Pets' Letter, March 2010

Well, hello there! I am not sure who reads these letters any more, but I hope you're all having a terrific winter. It's been good to us, so far - moving day was sunny, and I’ve had very little trouble settling in to my new place. When I think about the problems I had moving into my old place, with the falling trees, and all new furniture which didn’t need much cleaning, I should have realized something was wrong. All things considered it's been a smooth transition. I love having things to keep clean, and I enjoy the space in general. The Parkside Lunch & Billiards may be a pool hall, but I think the name of Parkside is very classy. It's much better than being called Roadside, I can tell you that.

It's a cute little pool hall, and I've got a few different projects in mind that'll make it extra special. We won't be tempted to cut corners like some pool hall people do, when it comes to fixtures and locks and the general quality of the renovations. I am tempted to look for a large, old-fashioned pool table with lots of fringe. Apparently there are quite a few of those in the older parts of Milborough, and people sell them for a song when they update their houses. I've always wanted one of those.

The cats have really been enjoying my cleaning, especially my favourite cat, Mon Petit Ami the cat. It turns out she’s a girl. I thought she was a boy cat. It’s amazing what sort of things a good bath will turn up. The cats stay outside for most of the day. They can move around as they please. I'm happy to have them outside. They're happy and the pool hall stays cleaner. Speaking of clean, my bedroom is so organized! It's wonderful. I absolutely love having less "stuff".

Anyway, we're happy and settled. I needed a little less excitement after John came to visit. I think that was the point when it happened. One moment I was in my early 30s, sitting on the chesterfield watching television using my brand new remote control with my dog, Farley the dog. Then John’s dad walked in the room yelling obscenities like “*@!!**#{Saturn}**{Lightning bolt}”. I could almost see my little son Michael come into the room, only he looked a little strange. He had no neck, like he was a ventriloquist’s dummy and he said, “Mom? What were you watching?” and I thought “Comedy” with all those obscenities coming out of John’s dad’s mouth. It just seemed funny to me, like someone had drawn a comic strip with panel after panel of someone yelling obscenities, because they weren't smart enough to think of anything better to draw.

The next thing I knew, John’s cousin Fiona Brass was sitting where Michael was and Farley the dog was my cat friend, Mon Petit Ami the cat. John turned from being his father to being John. It was pretty startling; but I should have realized from the way Farley the dog was sitting by me so quietly, he couldn’t have been a dog. A dog is the kind of happy animal that gets excited and wags his tail, even when you are yelling at him for leaving a big heart-shaped mark in the carpet after doing his arts and crafts. Cats aren’t like that at all. If you yell at them, they hide under the bed. Also, cats are not really into arts and crafts. Now that I think about it, this is something I like about cats. There are simply no arts and crafts messes to clean up with cats.

Anyway, getting back to my story I remember John (I thought was John’s dad) was saying something to Mike / Fiona like, “You might think you beat the system and all but, well, better you than me. You deal with the social worker every six months and you deal with Elly's bullhuckey. I've been there, done that and gotten the T-shirt.” That was very confusing to me. Since when does John’s dad use the word “bullhuckey” and why would he wear my bullhuckey on a T-shirt? Then I realized it was John and not his dad. I think his dad aged a little better and certainly didn’t say, “*” or “@” or “!!!” as much as John did then. He is a true gentleman, except when he tells fart jokes. Somewhere in the middle of all this ranting, Fiona picked up her cat, Beaumont III the cat, and hurled him at John. What happened next was not pretty. Needless to say, John left in a hurry, saying, “*@!!**#{Saturn}**{Lightning bolt}” the whole way out. It was awful.

I know this doesn’t make John sound very nice; but you never stop worrying about your husband. I used to worry about John’s health, his eyesight and his ability to run his practice. Now I worry about his bad language. All those curse words and he never once said, “Chee!” It was unnatural.

Once I realized where I was, Fiona explained to me all the things that happened with my kids and John after I had my little episode where I lost my marbles thinking I was in my past. Fiona tried to make it sound like everything was fine with them and they were selfish, whiny brats who ignored my problems just like our family ignored her for over 18 years. I could tell from her tone my kids are not quite alright. A mother knows these things. I decided I would be packed, pumped and ready to fix things. The first part of that was to move some of my things out of my old house, as I mentioned before. I was not ready to face any more of that cursing.

I was worried about the money for this, but Fiona reminded me that I still have access to my bank accounts with John. I'd been like a little kid, like a five year-old. With John I would say, “Tell me how much I can spend this week, Dad." I suddenly had this overwhelming education from Fiona (for only a small 50% fee) in which I had to learn how to do everything. It's empowering actually because you suddenly realize there's all this stuff you should have been doing all along. There was plenty of money in the accounts and more than enough to buy plane tickets to visit all my children. I have Mon Petit Ami the cat in the cat carrier and finally we are ready to go. We have an eventful Early Spring planned - and the unplanned events will make it busier still! As much as I like to read and relax and clean things, life intrudes and I find that I have less free time, post-retirement, than I did before! But I thrive on chaos; and it's calorie-free!

I have to be off...time to straighten out my children’s lives.

Take care.

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