howtheduck (howtheduck) wrote in binky_betsy,

The Pets' Letter, November 2009

The Pets' Letter, November 2009

October 20, 1979

Dear Farley the Diary,

I have decided to keep a diary, so I can practice my writing and so I can have a friend to share my deepest thoughts and secrets. My family has abandoned me, so you may be my only friend left. I had a dog named Farley the Dog. I hope he doesn’t mind if I call my diary Farley too. I know we will be good friends, Farley the Diary.

October 15, 1982

Dear Farley the Diary,

I have made my escape. I told the people who run this Mental Health place I was leaving to go to my course in Creative Writing at the local college, Canabore College. I hugged the security guard and said, “You be good for Daddy, now—I’m going to my class.” He was asleep and my hug didn’t wake him up. It was great to be outdoors again. I felt the same way I did on my first day of university, completely lost and looking for my husband.

October 12, 1988

Dear Farley the Diary,

You won’t believe it, Farley the Diary, but the directions I got from the Information Booth were completely incomprehensible. They said to take the yellow stairs on the left, then the hallway to the Wright Wing, go left on the Wright Wing, when you get to the elevators, go right to the Wrongue Wing. If you come to a glass atrium, you’ve gone the wrong way in the Wrongue Wing and need to turn back right to get to the Wright Wing, and don’t stop until you see a White Ring and go through the door marked Wright / Wrongue Rectory. I asked them to repeat those instructions 3 times fast, but they didn’t.

October 4, 1980

Dear Farley the Diary,

A bearded man gave me directions and he was very nice. We talked about daydreaming, free association, 6th sense, superstitions, premonitions, fate, the complexities of memory and how it mixes with imagination. I really liked it when we talked about fate. After awhile I realized the bearded man had been using drugs and he wasn’t really taking me to my house. I did that thing I do when I feel really unattractive -- squeeze my butt until it looks really lumpy and large. It worked and the man left me alone; but I was more lost than ever.

October 1, 1985

Dear Farley the Diary,

I found a way to get out of this Mental Health place where the doctor brought me. I told people around here I wanted to continue my education with a class in Contemporary English, and I needed to leave to go to my class at Canabore College. They said I could just take a class in Contemporary English on-line. How you could take a class in Contemporary English on a phone line, I don’t know. Since that didn’t work, I changed the class to Creative Writing and I told them I couldn’t really write creatively on a phone line. Dearest Farley the Diary, that seems to have worked. After I told them that, no one seemed to question it anymore.

October 18, 1990

Dear Farley the Diary,

I found my house. John was lying in bed, as usual, surrounded by copies of his favourite magazine Macho Man. This is the magazine with bearded women and advertisements about Lion Trainers who sell cologne. I never liked these magazines but at least they are better than those Stihl chainsaw calendars with the pictures of the skinny, wrinkly old women carrying chainsaws. I was about to walk in on John, when I realized he wasn’t alone. He was with Jean Baker, his office manager, but I didn’t recognize her at first. She was wearing a beard and talking about her life growing up in the circus. Dear Farley the Diary, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Nice fat, ugly, smelly old Jean, the one woman in John’s office I could trust because she didn’t look like a women’s underwear model. She kept talking about how John was the only one who understood her facial hair and gave her the time she needed to shave several times a day at work. Then she started using sex talk with John to get him excited. She started telling him about anterior hypoplasia and crossbite and root canals. It was too much for me to take.

I had been betrayed and I knew just how to get revenge – the electric razor had been left out. I shaved a little carpet and then I saw Farley the dog and shaved him until the electric razor was completely clogged up with hair. John was so busy with Jean, he didn't even notice the buzzing sound.

Farley the Diary, you may not know this but I used to do this all the time to John when he left his razor sitting out to let him know that if he did that, the kids would get into it. He never learned. Revenge is a dish best served with hair.

November 1, 1987

Dear Farley the Diary,

I am pretty hungry now. I have been raiding people’s trash cans for the Hallowe’en candy they threw out, and no one seems to have thrown any out. What is wrong with these people? It’s been over 5 minutes since Hallowe’en was over. Don’t they know how sugar isn’t healthy for their kids after they eat the good candy? All I have found are gunky pumpkin guts and strawberry mocha parfait. I can’t decide which one tastes worse.

October 22, 1986

Dear Farley the Diary,

Sometimes I fantasize about a life where my children and husband haven’t abandoned me. I see my children at different sizes and ages, but my husband is a constant in my life. He is always a male chauvenist pig. Then I realize I have forgotten how to fantasize and it all goes away.

October 31, 1983

Dear Farley the Diary,

It is pretty scary out tonight. I think I am being haunted by the ghosts of Fred and Frank the Fishes, and you know how I hate seafood without a lot of butter on it. Until next month, dear Farley the Diary.
Tags: retcons

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