Hiya. It's April writing for the pets. It’s been raining a lot, so everyone, including the pets, has been inside. Mom came over one day and when Robin asked when the rain was going to stop, mom made a speech about waiting for summer, the season of the year when it doesn’t rain. As usual, mom didn’t make any sense.
Then she picked up Merrie and walked her around the house saying things like, “Who’s this?” When she came up to Robin, she said, “Is this your big brother, Miggah?” Then she carried Merrie over to Edgar and she said, “And who’s this? Is this your Goggie, Goggie, Goggie?” And then she lifted up Merrie to her face and said, “And who am I?” Merrie said, “You’re my crazy grandma Elly.” I lost it when she said that. Mom didn’t seem to pay her any mind and she said, “Say your name. Say ‘Elizabeth’.” Merrie just did the old Patterson, tongue out spitting of “BFLTTT!” at mom. Mom said, “No, Elizabeth. That’s what you say to men who disappoint you and always behind their back, never to their face. That will be important for you to know when you meet Warren Blackwood.”
After mom put her down, Merrie went back to playing with Edgar. Mom came over to them and Edgar started barking at her. Mom put her hands on his muzzle and said "Stop barking, no barking, NO!" Edgar kept barking and mom yelled, "No barking! QUIET! STOP! NO BARKING! NO!!" Of course, mom’s yelling made Edgar bark even more, but mom kept yelling, "That's enough! Stop it! No Barking! Too much noise! No! No! NO!!" I told mom she couldn’t get Edgar to stop barking by yelling at him. She said, “You mean barking at him, little hygienist. You’ll never get my husband, if you can’t do proper wordplay.” Yes, peeps. Mom still thinks I am a hygienist for dad. Then she said, “I will learn from my mistakes and try something different.” That didn’t sound like mom at all.
She went over to Merrie and said, “Lizzie, I think the reason Farley is barking so much is because he is jealous of you. I am going to flip a coin for you and Farley. If the dog loses, he is going to a happy home on a farm." Merrie said, “What if I lose?” Mom said, “You get to go to the farm instead. I plan to send all my children to the farm. Eventually you will all lose the coin toss and go to the farm.” Merrie started to cry. This got me mad. I said, “Mom. I don’t care if you are mental. You don’t flip coins to decide between children and dogs!” Mom said, “There you go, acting single again, you little hygienist. I know your type. You go to dental conventions and give your numbers to any man there who dresses sexy and flirty. You single girls are so desperate; you will accept anyone’s invitation. As for me, I could get any waiter I want, but I don’t act single. I am happily married. Waiters compliment me. They don’t invite me. And because I am happily married, I know all about how to treat animals. The Kitchener-Waterloo Humane Society is certain to give me its Humanitarian Award. Not only that, but the Girl Guides love me.” As usual, I had no idea what she was talking about. I kept an eye on her around Edgar though. He has suffered enough from mom.
The only other strange thing mom did with the animals was to look at Buttsy and say, “Don’t you hang around outside with a bird and stare at Farley following his nose?” Fortunately Buttsy was in her hutch and mom didn’t reach for her. Other than that, Buttsy is fine. She hid in a corner in her hutch until mom went home. It stopped raining and mom ran outside saying, “Hoop-ya! Summer is here!” Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when she left.
No matter what you have heard from other people, I still plan to go to Winnipeg to stay with my aunt and uncle and cousin in August. I asked my cousin Laura about Tawny, the horse I rode at her farm 2 summers ago. She’s the horse with the attitude, who liked to mash me up against the walls of her stall if I didn't feed her fast enough. She's doing fine and Laura said that she needs a bit more exercise. Apparently my aunt is busy trying to come up with another story for a book about Farley and she is too busy to exercise the animals properly. Laura said she hopes when I get there I can help her convince Auntie Bev that Farley Follows his Flatulence is not a good idea for a children’s book.
There are other things going in my life. They don’t have anything to do with pets, just personal stuff. I’ll tell you about them in my letter, OK?