The only light coming into the motel room was from a streetlamp outside. The newlywed Caines were scheduled to take a Honeymoon to Mexico the next morning; the trip was free of charge thanks to a tour guide Elly and John Patterson had met once during their travels.
The motel room that they were staying in now was small. It had one room with a bathroom and a tiny kitchen area in the back. The bed was in the center.
In the dark, Elizabeth felt Anthony slide next to her under covers. “Are you nervous?”
“Should I be?”
Anthony frowned. “Therese wasn’t nervous on our wedding night. She had been deflowered in high school.”
“Deflowered?” Liz echoed.
Anthony smiled. “Not like you, Elizabeth. You’re a good girl! Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle!” He slung a white hairless arm over her chest.
Elizabeth blinked in confusion. “Gentle? What do you mean?”
“It always hurts a little the first time.” He answered. His skin was uncomfortably cold and clammy.
He thinks…Elizabeth frowned as Anthony climbed awkwardly on top, like he was mounting a horse. Well maybe he won’t notice. He’s not that bright.
It didn’t take long. And it didn’t felt good either. Elizabeth stared at the dark ceiling as she hugged the blanket around her chest. Like humping a Vienna Sausage or maybe a roll of coins. Anthony was sitting on the bed, wearing nothing but his socks and glasses. His white, almost nonexistent butt was turned toward her as he sat on the edge of the mattress.
Liz had always claimed to find Anthony attractive, but without his clothes, she found herself increasingly turned off. Ken Dolls had more muscles. Anthony was built like a rag doll. A rag doll with an itty bitty dingdong.
He hadn’t said a word during it and he hadn’t said a word since. He was just staring at the floor, frowning.
Finally he said sourly, “I can’t believe you’re not a virgin.”
Liz sat up, still holding the blanket to her chest. “You’re not. You have a kid.”
He went on as if he didn’t hear. “I mean I expected this from Therese. She was always too wild in bed anyway. Special lubricants, Teddiettes…One time she even brought home edible underwear. She insisted that sex was meant to be fun…”
Liz put her hands to her ears. “Stop telling me about your sex life with your Ex!” She hollered. “This is our wedding night!”
“Elizabeth,” Anthony turned. “I always imagined you’d wait for me!”
“Wait for you?” Liz snapped. “The Hell Man? You were married to Therese! You expected me to save myself for someone with a wife?”
Anthony pulled out his union suit from the travel case on the floor. He put his legs into it and pulled the one piece underwear past his waist. “This night is ruined. All this time I thought you were chaste and here I find you’ve been jumping from bed to bed!”
Liz pushed the covers away and stood up naked as a jay bird. “For your information, I’ve only been with two men, three counting you!”
He was buttoning the union suit now. “Harlot.”
“What?” Liz screeched.
“Tramp,” said Anthony. “Strumpet. Tart.”
“I am not a whore!”
“Watch your language!”
Liz grabbed a pair of underwear and the sweat pants and shirt she had planning on wearing in the morning. “That’s it, I’m leaving!”
“Good,” said Anthony. “I’ll call a lawyer tomorrow and get this marriage annulled!”
Liz didn’t even bother to put on a bra as she pulled the tee over her head. “Annulled? On what grounds?”
“Fraud!” Replied Anthony. “At least Therese was always upfront about her past!”
“You knew I had moved in with Eric! Only a complete and total idiot would think we weren’t doing anything!” She grabbed her purse and a pair of slippers. “I’m taking the bus back to my apartment!” She opened the door and paused. “By the way,” she turned. “Maybe if you water your penis, it’ll grow!" And she slammed the door.
One month later:
Liz sat in the living room of Anthony’s home. She hadn’t seen him since that night, but now he stood in front of her, holding a tray.
“Thanks,” she dipped the cookie in the tea he’d already given her.
Anthony sat on the couch. “I’m sorry this had to happen.”
“Anthony, you idealize me too much. You expect me to be Rapunzel, waiting for you up in the tower, but I’m not! I had a life when I was away from you! I had other boyfriends!”
“I know. And I know you’re right.”
“Well we can’t get divorced or annulled now.”
Anthony looked up. “Why not?” Liz sighed and rubbed her stomach. The tray went to the floor with a large, loud crash. “No way!”
“Yeah, you wouldn’t think ten seconds would be enough to…” Liz was cut off by Anthony suddenly grabbing her and pressing his lips to hers. It was like kissing Play-Doh.
“Oh Liz,” he said as he let go, then he hugged her. “Oh Liz I forgive you for not being a virgin!”
There’s nothing to forgive! Thought Liz. I didn’t do anything wrong! Oh well, at least the baby’ll be born in wedlock. I hope it doesn’t look like its father…