Elly: Blah blah blah, gardening, I LOVE AND ACCEPT GAYS, Harry Potter. Don't bookstores already have their shipments of Harry Potter but they just can't sell them yet? And give it up, they're all going to Borders.
Again, why is Liz coming home for the summer? Oh yeah, because she's a Patterson and nothing is more important than family. Unless your family is Mira, in which case your independence is more important. Incidentally, Mira is apparently invited to their bbq with any grumbling from Elly about how they're such martyrs suffering through her visits because "she's family."
John: Trains trains trains. And if the foreshadowing pans out (not the oh so sutle "foreshadowing" about Aunt Bev's farm), April might be going to France. Dear god, the last thing we need is a new setting with more characters. But then the strip is ending soon, so maybe the last panel will be "the gang" bidding Apeshit bon voyage.
Cars cars cars, the quiet wisdom of the aged, farming builds character. More cars, more farm. More freaking foreshadowing! Gee, anyone else think they might get a small house with a bigger yard?
Liz: Television is good for something besides video games? Really? I always wondered what TV Guide was on about with all those "TV shows" it listed.
Liz, you wouldn't know fashionable if it bit you on the ass. And Lynn, stop dropping random technology references in every letter. We know you know what a computer is and we're all very proud of you.
April: Nothing really here. The uniform thing is true enough. Aparently Becky is no longer too roadside for Ape's affections. Somehow I don't think she's going to "freak" at her summerlong absence though. Probably she'll be more like "thank god I can do what I want without that little snot calling me a ho behind my back."
Mike: Oh, woe is you. Dude, it's not your feaking job to clean out the place! Again, the whole thing about Dee at the hospital is SUCH CRAP. Get over yourself, no one can tell you're a good parent (which you're not) by looking at you, or looking at your liscense that says PATTERSON on it. Thank god he had Gord to talk some sense into him, not that I'm sure he paid a bit of attention to the lesson in it. (Could this whole paragraph be evidence that someone over there reads these blogs?)
Publishing (you suck), writing (you suck even more if these letters are any clue), updates on characters who have all but disappered, Anthony is a martyr, GAYS ARE AWESOME, so is family.
Dee: You don't know what the "Kelp's" problem is? I'll tell you. It's that they were created as foils to your obnoxious family and have no hope of redamtion. On the other hand, both Mike and Dee's letters made passing references to possibly becoming friends with the Kelpfroths. Could this be foreshadowing, or is it going nowhere? If there's anything more cliched than completely evil people, it's completely evil people who turn out to be really nice.
Jim and the Pets: Not even gonna bother. Honestly, does anyone actually read the letters from the pets? That's just ridiculous.
Oh, and you can always tell who's goth and who's emo! Lynn must be reading these blogs and decided to find some real teenage slang to stick awkwardly into a sentence.
ETA: Okay, all I have to add is this. I skim the pets' letter, just in case, because April writes them. And I found this gem: "Cats are weird...they're like people only they never try to hide what they're feeling. If a cat doesn't like you - you know it! It's kind of nice in a way though. They're never two-faced like some people can be."
tully_monster, thank you for the excellent Salon links! I loved the mom saying, "I feel like a bad mother...I can't have him at home! I can't stand him!" I weep for that kid. I haven't read the SIX pages of responses yet, but I'm sure they'll be delicious!