December 31st, 2020

Angry Candiru

Saturday, 2 January 2021

The one April's new-found mobility presents a problem for her first time mother.

Panel 1: We start things with one of the children being chastised for not enunciating when Liz tells Elly to lookit how fast April can crawl. She should make Elly lookit the fact that since Lynn can't use erasers because that's a sign of weakness, April's head is deformed.

Panel 2: Elly stands there going into full-on horrified gasp mode because for some reason that isn't "Mommy being too fucking stupid to anticipate a problem", her EVIL BABY is grabbing onto the cord to the toaster and is about to pull it onto her head.

Panel 3: We next anticipate Elly howling "Why do horrible people who hate me and don't understand how hard I work call me a negligent dolt who doesn't foresee the obvious a mile away?" when she leaves a box of laundry detergent in easy reach of a child who could poison herself.

Panel 4: Since she's staring down the barrel of being cruelly enslaved by a monster child who hates her freedom, Elly slumps into despair when Liz says that she bets that she can't hardly wait until the baby who's rooting through a houseplant that should have been put out of reach is walking. Knowing Elly, she's more worried about a bit of dirt on the floor than April poisoning herself by eating the leaves. Elly doesn't even know that plants can poison children and pets.

Summary: Jesus Motherfucking Christ!!! It's a fucking miracle that any of Elly's children survived her negligent motherfucking stupidity. I would have bet money that she'd have ended up whining that it wasn't her fault that one of them ended up dead on her watch. As it stands, the lamebrain is going to spend the next fifteen years pissing and moaning that she has to live in the real God-damned world instead of in her beloved stupor.