August 17th, 2019


Monday, 19 August 2019

(Originally published August 20, 1990)
How many ways can the McRae family offend?
With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

How do I offend thee? Let me count the ways.
I offend thee to the depth or lack of breath at the sight
Of thy cigarette balancing on the lip of thy buck-toothed mouth.
For the ends of being confused why thou needs an air mattress on a boat.
I offend thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need when interrupted by THUMPA-THUMPA BOOMPA-BOOMPA BLA-ZANGGGGG
I offend thee freely, as men strive to fire up a hibachi grill knowing not what one looks like
I offend thee purely, as they turn from praise for the silence of nature never actually expressed except in the punchline.
I offend thee with the passion put to use an anchor nonexistent in the water
In thine old party barge, and with my childhood's faith that boats with no visible motors can be propelled.
I offend thee with a love I seemed to lose for a once-revered author’s work when reexamined.
With the lost saints. I offend thee with the knowledge that someone like the McRaes once offended Lynn.