December 22nd, 2017

Snarky Candiru2

Christmas Eve Day 2017: Keeping It Real.

Today's strip might stand for the whole irritating "Christmas At Exile Farm" arc; this is because Elly's wanting to have a magical Christmas like on television with all the cast marveling at the innocent glow of joy on a child's face collides messily with the reality that children see things differently than We Moms do. The reality that Elly is, as always, at points to either ignore or deny is that just because she perceives time as zipping by, it doesn't mean that her children do.

(Strip Number 6757, Original Publication Date, 25 December 1988)

Panel 1: We find a desperate-looking Lizzie standing by the tree on Christmas Morning thought-bubbling that it's six o'clock.

Panel 2: Lizzie then screams "Where IS everybody?!" because she wants to open her gifts before Christmas Day ends.

Panel 3: We begin the strip proper with Elly doing that pious, closed-eyed sneer of contempt thing that makes me wanna punch her in the yap when she tells the kiddies to have some patience because she doesn't want the gifts opened until all are gathered together to behold the miracle. As anyone who actually understands how children think will tell you, this doesn't result in the apology Elly wants. It results in despairing frowns because the mean lady wants Christmas to be over before they get their presents because old people like Elly hate fun and happiness and wish to abolish emotions they're too old to feel.

Panel 4: As they shake boxes to see what's inside, Elly's silhouette tells them to wait for what seems like forever because Bev is still asleep. This confuses me because it's been established that Bev is up at pitchdark o'thirty in the morning and that There Are No Holidays on the farm so why the Hell is she sleeping in?

Panel 5: They gaze in horror at the fusty old meat-axe Carrie as she muscles down her granola because Elly's hatred of happiness and fun makes her tell them to wait until Grandma gets done eating before they open their gifts. In the real world, Carrie wouldn't be so smug because she'd have to look at three sets of eyes that look as if they're attached to antsy children trying to set her on fire with their minds.

Panel 6: Now that everyone is there to Bask In The Happy Warmth Of Precious Little Angel Children and Be Enriched By Their Wide-Eyed Innocent Joy Like On TV, Thinking-Impaired Elly graciously allows the children to open their gifts. In the real world, she'd be under the tree curating the gift handing out and opening process but since she assumes a self-control that doesn't exist, she expects the kids to do that on their own. This is called "being a total moron."

Panel 7: The reason I think that you can measure Elly's IQ by sticking a tire gauge in her ear is that as anyone who understood children at all would tell you, Mike, Lizzie and Not!Laura do not behave like precious little gumdrop children on a television show and open the gifts with anything like calm so that daydreaming boneheads can wax nostalgic and edit their pasts so that they were as sweet and pure as Elly hopes the kids will be. They act like children that have been punished for wanting things and rush forward screaming as if they're the Mongol Hordes going on a pillaging run because for some reason that's clearly the malice of that Christmas-stealing horror monster Elly, they've been made to wait forever to open their gifts.

Panel 8: As Bev and Elly gaze at the Big Ball Of Violence the latter idiot's stupidity, refusal to understand how children see the world and lack of foresight created in baffled horror, Carrie makes a smart remark about how the joy of Christmas is always enhanced by anticipation.

Summary: If there are notes, they ain't going to be about how stupid Elly is thinking that she could make kids wait for what seemed forever to get their stuff. Either we're gonna get whining about the Real Meaning Of Christmas or huffy gibber-jabber about how only picky-faces complained about how this isn't the Laura we're familiar with.