December 21st, 2017

Angry Candiru

Saturday, 23 December 2017: Happy Festivus, Danny. Now Go FOAD.

Mike learns the real meaning of Patterson Christmas: being lectured to by a pompous ass of a hayseed about how soft, weak and entitled he is.

(Strip Number 5066, Original Publication Date, 24 December 1988)

Panel 1: It's Christmas Eve at Exile Farm and Mike's thoughts are of what he's going to get. He'd asked for video games, a lazer tag set, track pants and a camera. This is because He Is A SELFISH Child Who Does Not Know The Meaning Of Christmas.

Panel 2: Enter in Uncle Stupid yelling "HOOEEE!!!! Nothin'like hot buns on a cold night! Right, Maw?" as he 'playfully' swats Bev on the rump. Since she's carrying hot buns and also is sick of his being a jerk sometimes, she tells him "Watch it." (One will note that Uncle Stupid doesn't look like a man who just came out of a blizzard and also that he speaks the same "City person's idea of a farmer's accent" that DHX Media and Hasbro assign to Applejack.)

Panel 3: As he performs the Pyro's Hadouken taunt, Danny starts to lecture Mike about how great they have it. They've got their health, they've got their home, they've got a warm fire, they've got good food and family.

Panel 4: Since he's a hippy-dippy moron on top of being a hick, he lectures Mike about how only a fool would ask for more with the self-righteous complacency of the terminally cretinous that is his to command. The implication of this is that not only is Michael a fool because he wants running water and to not be consigned to a hallway like an afterthought by nitwits, he's a fool for wanting the things he wants instead of loving whatever crap his idiot elders see fit to give him.

Summary: The emetic noise about the Virtuous And Simple Life issuing forth from Uncle Thanos's mouth is why I despise the pious fraud Lynn made of her brother-in-law. It's also why when Mike wanted to make it clear that old Harv was a bad man who hated children and happiness, he made him an incompetent and ignorant ape of a farmer subjecting his helpless family to life in the middle of freezing fucking nowhere.