July 24th, 2010

Snarky Candiru2

Sunday, 24 July 2010

Since Lynn's statement about the Sunday strips means what she wants it to, there's no real way to predict what we'll see today; perhaps we'll get the strip that has Elly thought-bubble about how awful it is that Evil, Conflict-Causing John and her unappreciative and destructive children can undo all her hard work in sixty seconds. It could be a new-ruin, as far as that goes; what it won't be is an invocation of life beyond the Settlepocalypse.

I should be more careful about what I say; that's because we have to contend with the oldie I mentioned.

Panel 1: We find ourselves watching most of the Pattersons relaxing; John is on the couch reading the Valley Voice, Lizzie is eating a banana and scaring the crap out of people who worry about what Lynn thinks is the overblown issue of child safety, Mike is reading the Sunday funnies, Farley is snoozing on the floor and there's a handful of trash on the floor that a regular person could tidy in about fifteen seconds; Elly regards this cozy chaos with a despairing SIGH!!

Panel 2: Since her ideal of perfection is to have a home which looks as if it were never occupied by human beings, she looks at this 'revolting' spectacle by scrunching her face up in disgust and snarling "What a dunp!!"

Panel 3: We next see her wearing that damned babushka as she comes in and tells everyone to head for the hills because she's going to shovel the place out.

Panel 4: John smiles as he tells Mike and Lizzie to clear the fort.

Panel 5: Lynn indicates Elly's cleaning the place by showing a panel of her wiping off the wall with her right hand while vacuuming with her left and stirring up a cloud of unsound effects.

Panel 6: LATER, John declares that the rest of the family is home.

Panel 7: Elly once again SIGHS as she thought-bubbles that there's no justice....

Panel 8: ...when it takes half a day to clean a house and only sixty seconds to mess it up again.

Summary: I know that it's sort of a downer to see hard work go unappreciated but this is just depressing; if Elly were less up her own ass, less inclined to think that everyone and everything was out to destroy her because no one wants her to be happy, she'd have had a better life. As it stands, she looks like what she is; a nit-witted kill-joy whose main complaint in life is that the happy, carefree people that surround her are not wallowing in self-induced misery about non-events. What really sucks is that she's too damned impatient to wait for the day they are because she's too damned stupid to know how infectious her pointless gloom is.

de Maupassant on Moustaches

... he has shaved off his mustache. You cannot imagine, my dear Lucy, how it changes him! I no longer recognize him-by day or at night. If he did not let it grow again I think I should no longer love him; he looks so horrid like this.
In fact, a man without a mustache is no longer a man. I do not care much for a beard; it almost always makes a man look untidy. But a mustache, oh, a mustache is indispensable to a manly face. No, you would never believe how these little hair bristles on the upper lip are a relief to the eye and good in other ways. I have thought over the matter a great deal but hardly dare to write my thoughts. Words look so different on paper and the subject is so difficult, so delicate, so dangerous that it requires infinite skill to tackle it.
Well, when my husband appeared, shaven, I understood at once that I never could fall in love with a strolling actor nor a preacher, even if it were Father Didon, the most charming of all! Later when I was alone with him (my husband) it was worse still. Oh, my dear Lucy, never let yourself be kissed by a man without a mustache; their kisses have no flavor, none whatever! They no longer have the charm, the mellowness and the snap- yes, the snap--of a real kiss. The mustache is the spice.
Imagine placing to your lips a piece of dry--or moist--parchment. That is the kiss of the man without a mustache. It is not worth while.
Whence comes this charm of the mustache, will you tell me? Do I know myself? It tickles your face, you feel it approaching your mouth and it sends a little shiver through you down to the tips of your toes.
And on your neck! Have you ever felt a mustache on your neck? It intoxicates you, makes you feel creepy, goes to the tips of your fingers. You wriggle, shake your shoulders, toss back your head. You wish to get away and at the same time to remain there; it is delightful, but irritating. But how good it is!
A lip without a mustache is like a body without clothing; and one must wear clothes, very few, if you like, but still some clothing.
There is no love without a mustache!

- Guy de Maupassant, The Mustache

Who knew Lynn / Connie was referring to this?  Or that Liz was thought-bubbling her disappointment at the flavourless kisses she could expect?
Snarky Candiru2

Kortney Reconsidered

If you'll indulge me, I'd like to speculate as to the stupid moral behind the "Kortney Gets Fired" story-line. As we know, it proceeded as follows:

  • First off, April noticed Kortney goofing off on Elly's dime and, when she made an off-the-cuff remark about it, was threatened with a knuckle sandwich.
  • April, having been encouraged by Jim to divulge this to Elly, was met with appropriately expected disbelief before reminding Old Potato-Nose that she was seeing greatness that didn't exist.
  • When John told her that she should let Kortney go, she told him it was easier to not make a fuss.
  • Kortney spread a layer of manure over things because she knew what a sucker Elly was for flattery; Moira popped in after Elly left and told the jerk that the writing was on the wall.
  • Things stayed as they were for a few months when Elly noticed a discrepancy in the inventory for December; she wouldn't believe April or Moira when they hinted as to it being an inside job. She did, however, believe the alibi Kortney needed time to come up with.
  • The final part of the saga was when Moira took advantage of Elly's absence to rid the store of a parasite; upon being presented with the proof that she finally had no choice to believe, Elly still didn't quite believe it because, well, Kortney flattered her.
  • Instead of doing something silly like apologizing to Moira and April for being a gullible sap, Elly kicked something to avenge the harm done her supposed credibility.
  • Finally, they were presented with a notice that Kortney planned to sue them for wrongful dismissal.

This last detail tells me what Lynn really thought was going on; I might be reading her wrong but I think that she's trying to say that Elly and the gang deserved to get served for confronting someone instead of letting things fester so she could get flattered and not have to make a decision. I also tend to think that her refusal to apologize to the people she should have listened to is telling; what it tells us is that if you see someone doing something wrong, you should shut up about it so stupid, selfish narcissists can get an ego-boost at your expense.

As for the supposed "Elly is so pure, she cannot understand evil" premise, this passage from the June 2004 retcon:

Having had a few weeks to think things over, I am not as emotional as I was and can address the subject without going to pieces. It seems our ex employee must now suffer the indignities of fingerprinting and having a police record to dog her probably for the rest of her life. Even though the people whose cheques she forged refused to press charges, she has still been found guilty of fraud and theft of cash and merchandise. She is not in prison, but is being held responsible for her actions by having to repay the amounts stolen and doing community service. She is under the care of a counselor and has to report to a probation officer. She has a lot of restrictions, and I doubt she'll be able to secure employment for quite a long time. This is a suburb of Toronto, but is still a fairly insular community and news like this travels far and fast. I feel sorry for Kortney. She seemed to self destruct for some reason. I guess I'll never know what made her do the things she did, but it's up to the justice system and perhaps support groups to help straighten her out.

and its follow-up from November 2006:

Oh, that reminds me, since I'm thinking of the bookstore. I ran into Kortney Krelbutz last week, literally. I bumped right into her as she was leaving the bank. I'd been absentmindedly rifling through my bag with one hand as I walked through the door, and so I wasn't watching where I was going. We came face-to-face for the first time since she was let go from Lilliput's. We didn't speak. She looked horrified for a second and then scurried off down the street. I don't know what she expected; I don't hold a grudge, and I don't expect an apology, but I did think she'd have acknowledged my presence. Maybe this way she can make believe that nothing happened. People are interesting. I'll never stop trying to figure us all out!

tell me that she learned nothing from the experience; as for worrying about April, this is about when she started in with that fear-filled balderdash about how her bland, pliable, by-the-numbers child had become an out-of-control Martian. This, as you will recall the same picky-faced princess who she was willing to have take a beating so she could have a lying thief blow sweet, sweet smoke up her fat ass.