October 16th, 2009

Snarky Candiru2

Saturday, 17 October 2009

Since it's a Saturday and we've already maligned John, I have no real idea what to expect; I sort of hope that we'll see "Mike, having broke a lamp, points to Lizzie so as to indicate to Elly that Sistwirp did it; Lizzie copies him by pointing at Farley" so we can be reminded that the Pattersons have a dog but am prepared for any crazy thing.

We get yet another reminder that the Pattersons are low class people who eat crap and won't moderate their appetites.

Panel 1: It would seem that Elly is displeased with what Mike spent his allowance on: bubble gum and what I assume is a chocolate bar. That's because her eyes are all bugged out when she says "Michael...you spent that whole dollar on junk!"

Panel 2: Being told that he's doing something wrong has the predicted result: anguished denial. He clasps the empty calories to himself and whines "Junk? You can't call this junk... it's good stuff!"

Panel 3: He then adds volume to his moaning as he squeals "Kids need candy! It's food energy....they said so on TV."

Panel 4: Instead of cutting off his allowance, sending him to his room for backchat or even getting him to wash his chocolate-smeared face and change out of the chocolate-stained T shirt he's wearing, Elly sends him on his way and, with a defeated expression on her face, thought-bubbles "How can you argue with the Gospel according to TV?"

Summary: My answer is "Very easily"; as babsbybend said, Elly's next move should be to deny him TV privileges, reduce his allowance and start serving real food that isn't drowning in sauce or syrup so he knows eating healthy doesn't mean sacrificing taste. Sadly for us, she isn't strong enough to argue; watching her cave after being bullshitted sort of tells me why she found him a handful: she has no spine and therefore should not be in a position to enable children's bad habits.
Snarky Candiru2

The Liography of Becky McGuire.

As you might or might not know, Becky McGuire is the latest incidental character about to be afforded the dubious privilege of an offical biography on the website. As howtheduck said, her story has all the factors that Beth loves to write about; we can look forward to her having a high-handed, self-absorbed, entitled asshole dad who wants to ram his authority down everyone's throat, a weak mother who either wrings her hands in impotent despair, plays ostrich or both when confronted with Dad the Evil Overlord's jackassery, the belief that the Pattersons are too pure for this ugly world, and a life of unremitting and insane unhappiness culminating with her abandoning her virtue for shiny beads and shallow flattery from the esteemed Jeffo. The really nifty thing is that we also have to deal with Lynn's premise that Ambition Is Evil; this means that John's ignorant ranting about how bird-in-a-gilded-cage Becky secretly envies the Pattersons and wishes that she had not thrown her friendship with April away out of her own selfish pride will be made the official truth despite the relevant strips making it abundantly obvious that April was the offending party. We will therefore be told that black is white and the Martian's insane desire to avenge herself against slights that only existed inside her fevered mind are the noblest acts of self-defense. We can also look forward to similar idiocy when Beth gets around to lambasting Mira and Thérèse in the next few years.