March 2nd, 2009

Indignant Candiru

The weekly letter, 3 March 2009

It seems to me that this week's letter will be all about how John doesn't seem to be as supportive of Elly's weight loss plan as she originally thought. We could even have her start to thinking that he's afraid of what a confident, attractive her means for their marriage.

ETA: The weekly letter is now up. The subject matter is Elly complaining about how foolish she was to agree to adopting Farley when they have a toddler and how John is no help. She does, however, see certain advantages:

1) They don't have to change the puppy's diapers. All she needs to do is shove him out back, glare at him and yell because he's taking his time doing his business.

2) Farley will eat her horrible cooking with enthusiasm. (Insert comment about how he developed his taste for garbage here.)

3) Farley doesn't talk back or invite his hoodlum friends over to terment her.

4) She and John can curse and kiss without his making that gagging gesture Mike makes.

and 5) Farley will never reveal Elly and John's revolting secrets.

The only advantage she does see to having kids is that she can one day own their horses, freeload off of them and generally make their lives a living Hell in order to exact her brutal revenge upon them for their selfish, evil, cruel and unfair demands on her precious time.

What a charming woman Elly is. NOT!!
Snarky Candiru2

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Let's see if John's lunch with Ted leads somewhere other than the alteration of history. I'd like to think that Lynn would make one of Connie's doomed relationships part of the new continuity but I'm not getting my hopes up; the same impulse that had her make Phil tell Elly to call Connie off and keep her from going to Montreal might make her turn Ted into Seymour Skinner with a flashier car.

Damn. I hate being right.

Panel 1: We start things off with John asking how Ted's mother is these days. Ted says that she always seems to have "something" wrong with her.

Panel 2: This is why he feels it's so hard to leave home; she needs him, worries about him and always wonders where she is. In other words, she's a passive-aggressive old witch who uses her son's humanity as a means of controlling him and taking away his independence.

Panel 3: John picks up on this and gently but firmly says that Ted might need a woman his own age in his life. Ted boasts that he's no wallflower.

Panel 4: He gets himself out there and has no problem attracting the ladies.

Panel 5: He does, however, have one teensy problem: finding a girl Mommy will let him play with.

Summary: Good luck with that, idiot. Your mother wants to keep you all to herself because she hates your freedom. You'll only get to know a real monogamous relationship AFTER she dies.

I'm 39 today!

In honor of this dolorous occasion, I have put my hair up in a bun, donned a frumpy, shapeless sack, and have spent the past hour squinting into the mirror, lamenting my wrinkles and flab. Then I flapped around the house muttering about hot flashes.

Ha ha. Actually, Cookie Monster and I went to Red Robin, and he got me a cake and the DVD of Tropic Thunder. My co-workers gave me cupcakes, and one of them hooked me up with, uh, some really nice, uh, wine...that's right. I'm wearing a long dress, but that's what I always wear, and it's not frumpy and shapeless. And I don't have wrinkles to fret over, because I have stayed out of the sun! (Well, I do have some rather deep lines around my mouth, probably more from smoking than anything else, but otherwise nothing to get upset about.)

So, hoop-ya! This is me! And it does NOT suck to be me!