August 30th, 2008

Indignant Candiru

31 August 2008: Farewell to all that.....

This thread is for The Strip of Destiny. As could be expected, it's an opaque wall of text that tells us what these Mary Sues will be doing in the future.

The staging device for this is fairly simple. We're at the wedding reception and John asks Elly if they could turn back the clock and start all over again, would she? As we see Anthony kiss Liz, she says she'd so with all her heart thus setting up the new-runs.

This leads into a look at the Official Destiny of The Pattersons.

John and Elly: They finally fully retire while still owning everyone's horses. This allows them to travel, read, volunteer, ignore their grandkids and eat greaseburgers with extra bacon.

Jim: He lives long enough to see the birth of Lizthony's son James. When he is granted sweet release in the year 2010, Iris is at his side. Her fate is undisclosed.

Liz: She continues to teach. She combines that with love of husband and family so it's okay for her to have ambitions. Françoise is not referred to.

Anthony: He's still the Edgar Bergen to Gordo's Mortimer Snerd. He plans to one day own a bed and breakfast. The child he had with THAT woman is still not referred to but her love of ballroom dancing is. Maybe Awfulny will teach Liz to dress and eat like a human being too.

Michael: He churns out two more awful books before inking a contract to supply Lifetime glurge with a Canadian twist. He continues to work with Weed out of the Pattermanse.

Deanna: She opens up a sewing school with help from the Pattersons thereby demonstrating either how out of touch with reality Lynn is or how living with Mike drove her bonko. She injects structure into her childrens' lives (Robin learns to cook carrot coins, Meredith goes to ballet class) but cannot be confused with her evil mother. A shameless plug to the Just For Laughs festival is made.

April: She moves out West and becomes a large animal veterinarian and is a relationship with someone who isn't the Continental. Lynn takes this opportunity to give PR to the Calgary Stampede while making a major city sound like a dinky little cow town.

We next see a box of text that states the others are living productive lives while praising Lynn for pulling a convoluted mass of garbage out of her sigmoid colon.

Those of you who think that Liz is her avatar have that suspicion confirmed. A woman who looks like a 60-year-old Liz thanks us for reading and reminds us that we'll spend the next twenty-odd years (she wishes) being told that Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia.

Prediction: Monday's strip lurches into the past without an explanation.
  • Current Music
    The End of the World as we know it (and I feel fine), REM