August 27th, 2008

Can she just get the hook, already!?

The Washington post has an article about Lynn's continually will-you-won't-you retirement shenanigans. Mostly nothing new; blah blah, I want to do it right this time, blah blah blah yay Farley, but it does remind me of something I've been wondering about. In fact, it's really the only thing I've been wondering about the "new old un-new new" strip:

What's going to happen with April?

She is, honestly, the only character aside from Françoise that I don't want to see made into Soylent Green. Mainly because she (A) has a personality, and (B) isn't a complete self-centered douchebag like the rest of the Pattersons. Even her faults are excusable because she's a teenager; they act like that (as opposed to the adults, who act like spoiled toddlers, and the spoiled toddlers, who act like brain-damaged housepets, and the housepets, who are some kind of trickster-spirit things on loan from the Tonto Nations folk.) But Lynn has shown nothing but contempt for the girl since as long as I've been following this pile of excrement.

April is obviously considered a "mistake" by both her parents and her author, so it stands to reason that in the new "I never made mistakes; we have always been at war with Eastasia" strip, April might just be written out of existence. On the other hand, in so doing Lynn would lose her favorite character to lavish contempt upon and her favorite straw woman for the You Damn Kids Get Offa My Lawn strips; quite the conundrum for someone with such an excess supply of scorn and spite, no?

What do you guys think will be the fate of the only likeable Patterson?

Lia in the Washington Post

Today's Washington Post features TWO articles about FBOFW. The first one, as reported in the post below, is indeed same old, same old, but trust me, you guys will want to read the second one.

As a Washingtonian, I can report the stories get quite prominent placement--on the front of the Style section.

Go Lia!

(P.S. Today is my birthday--this is a fun b-day present!)
winding road

Thérèse: The Unauthorised Biography

Part 2

At first, Thérèse barely noticed Anthony. The night they met, she was at a party, tearing up the dance floor in a slinky green dress. She had no shortage of partners and danced for hours. Finally she needed a break, and went to the drinks table to drain several glasses of water.

Anthony was standing nearby at the edge of the floor, watching her with a comically awed expression. She vaguely recognised him from dance club – a thin, lanky guy with glasses and floppy pale hair. He would look all right, Thérèse decided, if he would stand up straight, get a haircut, and wear decent clothes instead of that awful brown suit.

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Indignant Candiru

The Liography Has Landed!!!

RED ALERT!!! This is not a drill!! The Liography has landed. My reaction on reading it was a quotation from the Late Great Twenty-Four: "Wow!! That SUCKED!!"


- Anthony's ball-buster of a Dad has the first name "Gavin."

- His birth mother is a gold-digging parody of an ex-model named Hanneke.

- The Mrs. Caine Elly gets along with so well is his step-mother Clarice.

- Her brother Max is the uncle who supplied the butt-ugly tuxes for the Settlepocalypse and is the guy who got Anthony interested in carpentry.

- He has a baby sister Abigail who he referred to as The Lump.

- Therese's maiden name is "Arsenault" and her dad Roger is Gavin's BFF. (Don't laugh. It's a real name and is fairly common. You could say that Lynn has a camera in my phonebook.)

- Her hatred for Liz stems from her wealthy father's weakness for cheating on her mother with predatory blue-eyed blondes.

- Her walking out on Anthony was due to her being in the manic phase of bipolar disorder.

(Ignore that part. She was clearly sick of being her parents' puppet and didn't care about the cost.)

- Beth answers our complaints about "I have no HOOOOOOOOME!" with "As soon as it was out, he was appalled at himself. After what she'd been through, the last thing Liz needed was any more unwanted male attentions. He kept his mouth shut and kicked himself the rest of the way for being such a jerk. When they arrived at the Patterson's home, he apologized with miserable sincerity."

- The end of the thing has a banner that reads "For Better or For Worse" so we can check yet another entry off the Settlepocalypse bingo card.
Snarky Candiru2

Thursday, 28 August 2008

Now that the hospital visit and Liography have happened, we are left to wonder how Lynn will fill the three remaining pre-reload strips. I know that Liz must deliver an Aesop about how family is more important than worldly goods and Jim must dance off to the Void with Marian but am confused about the order.

Panel 1: Liz asks Iris to be honest about Jim's condition. She does so. It seems that Jim is very frail. He'll be back home soon and then it will be necessary to move him into Sunset Acres.

Panel 2: As she points out that he's fallen asleep again, she reassures Liz that seeing her in the Miracle Dress meant the world to him. Liz echoes that she knows because she realizes that "I hope so" sounds less encouraging.

Panel 3: Mister Martyrdom informs Elly that he and Mrs Caine will be staying a bit longer at the hospital but will meet them later at the reception.

Panel 4: We switch back to the park as John asks Elly who phoned. She tells him it was Anthony. Hearing what she wants to hear, she misinterprets the man's words to mean that Jim will bounce back from this instead of slide even more quickly into the grave.

Panel 5: Not having the brains to question Elly's misguided optimism, John says that's a good way to end the story. Elly responds to this stupid attempt at metafiction by saying it's a good way to end today.

Summary: April will find out after the reception is over. She will be called a picky-face by everyone when she objects. Elly must be run over by a steamroller.

ETA: You want more meta? We got your meta right here with the latest banner.