April 24th, 2008

Filling in for dreadedcandiru...

I don't have much to say about this one.  It's just more of the same:  The Three Stooges on the soccer field uttering numerous an's, expressing uncertainty and worrying like 45 year olds about the future.  And is that supposed to be a punch line at the end?

So we probably have another two days of this crud to get through.  Saturday will probably be an Elly cooking strip with April in the kitchen.

And please, please Lynn - get that tarantula off of April's head.  Geez.

The Future of the Three Stooges......

Here's a damned good question: What do you think April and the zombified nincompoops she hangs out with will be doing in ten years' time? What will they be doing with their lives when April has her Kitsch Abomination Wedding? (Note: I include Becky and Gerald in this execrise in speculation.) How close do you think howtheduck's speculation that Duncan will, after getting start up cash from John, become an unbelievably successful owner of a travel agency who dabbles in organizing global sporting events (Extreme Shuffleboard, anyone?) while Eva sings at those events when she isn't raising their children or teaching piano is to the truth? Will April make her living sticking a thermometer up a cat's heinie? Will Gerald, having been dumped by Becky, work at Dunc's travel agency? Will Elly eat fatty foods and whine about unfeasibly good fortune? Will John play with trains? Will Mike be a douche? Will Liz be immature? Do you care?

Lynn and teenagers: ENOUGH!!

Lynn has once again proved that, as mimisgrotto and a host of others have said, she cannot write realistic dialogue for teenaged characters. Whenever April or her friends appear we get:

- sloppy, rambling speech, like totally, filled up with, like, slang (most of which is surrounded by quotation marks to remind us it isn't proper English) from twenty years ago an' bad grammar.

- equivocation. Trying to get a definite answer out of these people is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

- over-earnestness. Their humorless, overblown reaction to life's petty annoyances betrays the fact that they're dim people who take life way too seriously. I'm embarassed for them.

- incoherent thinking. Seeing these chowderheads spout pious, ill-conceived nonsense makes me channel Daria and ask if there's uranium in the drinking water.

What makes this so damned annoying is that April and her siblings shouldn't really feature so prominently in the strip. I've gone on record as stating that I think that John and Elly should have remained the focus of the strip. We could have a week or two of April every so often, just like we could have a week or two of Mike and Liz but we should be watching JSTF and Flapandhonk and their lives. Watching them try to make sense of the twenty-first century is a far more enticing concept than a stale retread of Saved by the Bell, don't you think? Half of the problem with the strip is, after all, that Lynn isn't writing about anything she's experienced for a while. If she were to write what she knows, the dialogue wouldn't be half as wooden nor the plotlines so inasanely implausible. My favorite example of that is "John applies for a variance from the Municipal Government so he can build his model train layout." Even if she were to write it the poor way she's doing now, it would be more exciting to read about than Miracle Dresses, Tomes of Glurge and talking shit about D-list pop tarts.

Friday, 25 April 2008

Either today or tomorrow, Lynn will have April or another character mouth some ridiculous moral to wrap up this pointless week. As we mark time on the race to the bottom, we can be assured that dantheman is correct when he sums up the strip like so:

Panel 1: This makes no sense and is poorly drawn.

Panels 2 through X: See description of Panel 1.

Hypothesis: Lynn should have retired long ago.

That being said, let's get to the real monstrosity.

Panel 1: We start off with April talking to Gerald. She asks how things her, he says OK, she asks if he's still speaking to her and he says "Sure". This, as we expected, is April apologizing for being a bitch Saturday. Too bad she doesn't apologize to us for her slovenly speech. You will note that dantheman's take on this is dead bang on.

Panel 2: She hangs a lampshade on this fact by rambling incoherently about how she, Eva and Duncan were talking. The consensus they derived and that we did not see was that no matter what happened, the four of them must remain friends.

Panel 3: He sees no problem with this and asks her if they can keep in touch. She enthusiastically agrees.

Panel 4: Her next chunk of verbiage is about how the four of them will keep in touch with Luis and even Becky. Perhaps, one day, far down the line when they're fat and old looking (judging by how unkind the years have been to everyone in Milborough, 2023 at the latest.), they can look back at 'simpler' times and glory days like this. "How awesome we were, standing in a hallway a year before we graduated!"

Panel 5: As an actual teacher walks past, they both point out being old is tough to imagine. You can imagine my surprise to see an adult in a position of authority present. Based on April's wretched grammar, I naturally assumed there were no teachers.

Hypothesis: Tomorrow, she sits in her room and thought-bubbles something stupid. That, or she says something stupid out loud and John/Elly thought-bubbles something that betrays his/her total lack of awareness of who April is.

I hope that next week Lynn stops tormenting us with dreadful filler material like this and gets back to the Settlepocalypse.