September 26th, 2007

Mama's Sweet Boy
  • ellcee

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

For Better or For Fucking Worse


Charles Bukowski

It all started as a mistake.

Jim Richards was supposed to go out with a girl named Ehdna. Ehdna never showed so Jim got drunk and ended up fucking some dame named Marian. Fucking blackouts. Lying bitch said she couldn't have kids because of the clap. Two months later she turned up at Jim's boardinghouse with her dad and his shotgun in tow.

Marian wanted an unusual name for the baby. She asked Jim what he thought and Jim said he thought Drunk Mistake sounded good. Marian called her Eleanor but Jim always thought of her as Drunk Mistake anyway.

Twenty seven years later Jim and Drunk Mistake went walking on the lake shore. Drunk Mistake was as good a mother as Marian was, letting her kids run wild. Christ, that doughy looking one, the boy, was about to fall in the water and drown and Jim was pretty sure the little girl wasn't any smarter.

"When the fuck are you going back to Toronto?" he said to Drunk Mistake. "Don't you have your own fucking house? You're not a kid any more. God damn it, get this kid off me before she breaks my ass you crazy bitch."

Drunk Mistake hauled the baby off Jim's back, sat her down and proceeded to ignore the kid. Jim watched with disgust as the baby picked up a handful of sand and ate it.

"You still think of me as your little girl, don't you Dad?" Drunk Mistake said, hugging him.

"Christ no!" Jim said, pushing her away. "Stop that mushy shit. I ain't even sure I'm your father."


ps. New Windjammer! is up.
Mama's Sweet Boy
  • ellcee

Thursday, September 27 2007

Ask a Kool-Aid Drinking FBoFW Fan!

Dear Kool-Aid Drinking FBoFW Fan,

I was recently a groomsman at a friend's wedding, and something rather embarrassing happened. I'm currently taking medication for a chronic condition, and I'm not supposed to drink alcohol. The groom promised to make sure there was some non-alcoholic champagne for me, but I guess someone goofed and I ended up with real champagne instead. Long story short, I had a bad reaction and passed out. The problem isn't that, it's that the bridesmaid I was paired with is going around town, telling everyone I'm a drunken lout and made her realize she belonged with some yahoo she dated in second grade. I don't care who she dates, but I do mind her smearing my good name like that. What should I do? Sign me --

Miffed in Milborough

Dear Miffed in Milborough,

I just wanted to thank you for twenty-eight years of happiness. I just want to say I am your biggest fan and I have followed the strip and the adventures of the Petersons as if they were my very own family from day one! I don't consider my day 'started' until I get my 'fix' of Ellie, Jon, Mark, Lisa and Ava! I just love the hybrid, especially today's gem where Ellie walks in the door all exhausted from her trip. It's like you know how I feel when I've been traveling for hours with two small children! Kudos! Oh, please let Lisa and Andrew get married, I just love them!

Dear Kool-Aid Drinking FBoFW Fan,

This is a bit of a sensitive situation, and I could really use some advice. I live in a small Indian village with my nephew (let's call him J) who I am raising. J got very attached to his last teacher, a girl from the south. J can be a bit of an attention-seeker in class, and I was never crazy about the way she let him get away with that, but it's not like we have a lot of choice in who comes here to teach. Anyway, she made a pet of him, gave him cookies when he'd hang around her house and stuff like that, but all of a sudden after two years of shouting to anyone who would listen that she just loved indigenous culture she decided she couldn't live without a mall within driving distance and took off. Before she left, she promised J she'd keep in touch and of course she hasn't. It breaks my heart to see him waiting for calls and emails that are never going to come. Here's my dilemma, I'm on the school board and I just got a request for a reference for this girl for another teaching position. I'd like to tell them just what they're getting into, but I'm afraid it will look like sour grapes. Any advice for --

Marj in Mtigwaki

Dear Marj in Mtigwaki,

Come on, Lynne, fess up! You have a hidden camera in my house, don't you?! Just the other day I came home from a trip and found that my husband had picked up the house too! Of course, he loaded the dishwasher the wrong way, but he did fold the towels right! It's almost like you were right here in my house! Kudos to you for such an accurate depiction of a that rare event, a husband cleaning up the house he also lives in!

Dear Kool-Aid Drinking FBoFW Fan,

I really need your help. I'm sixteen and the youngest of three, and everything you ever heard about the youngest child being the spoiled baby doesn't apply to me, except everyone in my family says I'm spoiled. My mom favors my older brother to the point where she let him and his wife and kids move in with us, which was crowded because she also let my older sister move in a few months earlier. I had to give up my room and sleep on a couch in the rec room. Then she and my dad sold the house to my brother without even asking me what I thought, then yelled at me for acting spoiled when I complained. They spend all their time talking about my sister and her dumb boyfriend, who she used to date ages ago, and when they are not doing that, they are giving stuff to my brother. They even gave him all the old photographs and scrapbooks when we moved, and since that happened, it's like I don't exist at all! What should I do?

Crying in Canada

Dear Crying in Canada,

Lynn, you've done it again! Once again you have deftly captured a 'slice of life' -- I don't know how you do it! You have shown us the Patterson family waking up, cleaning the house, going to work, attending school, wearing clothes, driving cars, eating food, breathing oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide, and each time I see it, I wonder anew at how closely the Patterson's lives parallel my own. Just this very morning, I hugged my own husband! Kudos, as always, for such wonderful work! PS, Please, please, please let Liz and Anthony get married! They're such a cute couple and I love how you've shown that the steady 'nice guy' will always win over those 'bad boys' some of your detractors love!


The next Windjammer! chapter will be up at noon tomorrow -- had some work writing to do tonight. I'm a bit backlogged because I was away, and I was *going* to do some work on the flights, but I was too busy keeping the plane aloft by tugging upwards on the armrests each way.