February 1st, 2007

February retcons

Sorry I'm so late!

Elly: I'm not sure that your family's rate and amount of consumption has more of an effect on the environment because it's collective rather than individual. You consume the same no matter where you are. Also, you mention six adults and two children, but only six showers. Don't the littles get baths?

And I understand that Liz is "having a rough time," but she doesn't seem to be deriving comfort from living with you guys, so why should she stay? We saw her reaction to Mike's contract, for instance. And sure enough, we're told that Liz's co-workers are too old and married for her to associate with. And her friends are gone. Gee, perhaps she shouldn't have come "home"?

And of course Liz and April are not getting along. And if April really is focusing on Liz's presence rather than Mike et al's, perhaps that's wrong. Liz was never in April's room, after all. At least Mike an' Dee are paying rent, although it should be pointed out that if they can pay rent to you, they can pay rent to a landlord. Same goes for Liz.

Soddy house on the prairie. That's pretty close to what I'd call it. My book has a title, yanno. One would think, wouldn't one, that absence of a title would indicate that the fracking thing has never been edited or critiqued by the people who want to pay him for it.

And gee, you hope Mike and Deanna (I do give you props for including both of them) will find a nice, quiet, idyllic, pastoral house. I wonder where they would find such a place. And I'm glad you're thinking of Deanna, although...sewing room? When has Deanna ever expressed an interest in sewing? Stop already with the "child of the '50s" crap.

John: Oh. My. God. ANOTHER fracking vacation. And of course April won't get to go anywhere or do anything.

April has been MERCILESS?! Oh, you...If you were not a cartoon character, I would punch you in your smug face. And it's not "warring", at least it shouldn't be. Everyone should have equal access to the bathroom; April is allowed no space for any of ther stuff, and why should they be "warring" over access to the phone? April has a cell, even if Liz doesn't. Lynnions, welcome to the 21st century.

And ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE FRACKING HELICOPTER. And now you admit it: you were never keen on Paul. Sure, you give the same old "he's northern" excuse, but we know what you mean. He's not white, and he's not Anthony. Although I have to give you props for being aware that Liz lives in her own little world.

Warren...well, who knows. And I love how Mike's failure to move out is DEANNA'S fault. And again, why would they want what they had before? They hated everything about it except Lovey, and, of course, proximity to Weed. Stay in your train shop, John. You don't need to think about what I just said. You don't want to, either.

And whaddaya know, the Tiny Train House is now available! I'm glad you were taking a walk with April, though. Just hope you didn't harangue her the whole time about what a spoiled princess she is. And don't worry about what the house is worth. It's worth whatever Mike pays you. And I love how you just now get around to acknowledging Stibbs as a person.

And you're ready to retire. Isn't all this so neat. And I'm really sure that you'll be so nice and grandfatherly to Merrie if she crosses the threshold of your train sanctuary.

Liz: Here we go again. I don't wanna talk about it; thanks for your concern.

Not that I really want to know your innermost thoughts anyway. Philosophy of popular songs. There IS more to your breakup with Paul than his not liking your latitude (tm Snoopy), but you'll never see that. And Warren does not have backbone. He was acting in his own interests.

And of course you're not going back to Mtig. I said last month that as you get older, your time becomes finite. You don't visit old haunts "just because." You have to have a firm committment, and you never had a firm committment to Paul. It's not just because you got burned; you were already done with it. You had your "adventure," as your dad puts it, and now that chapter is over.

Others have commented on this, but "They knew each other as kids; who knows if they'll make a functional adult couple." Oh, my sides! Stop! We're supposed to believe that Mike an' Dee are totally functional, and that you and Granthony will be, but Paul and Susan? No, that's where the logic falls apart.

And you don't make any sense. First, you don't want to write because it's too personal. Now you want to put your feelings into words, and the words have to be just right. You know what it is? You're just shallow and stupid. And this sentence -- "Things are best left unsaid -- until you can put feelings into words" -- just doesn't parse. If you don't have words, you can't say anything. I can't believe they let you teach.

And that last bit clearly means you're just going to be passive. Well, good luck with that.

April: How nice that Deanna did that for you! How telling that it takes your sister-in-law, not a blood relative, to think of your needs. And before this happened, everyone was probably grumbling about what a pain in the ass you were for wanting to use your computer. I also think it's interesting that you're the first person I can remember ever giving Deanna credit for being good at something besides cooking and popping out babies.

They're happy to have you out of the way. Fuck, I want to cry. And I am so glad that you're patient with Merrie and Robin. It would be frighteningly easy to take your frustrations out on them. Fortunately, you're not like the rest of your family: frustration does not have to be transferred. And you're spending time with Grandpa! Your family does not know what they have in you.

Mike: I don't even want to discuss it. Except that I love the "AMAZING" in all caps. And it should be "Lovey Saltzman's apartments." And what the frack does "we're just teaming" mean?

Deanna: Not much to say here either. Except that I'm glad the prospect of Merrie having nightmares has been mentioned, and I love how it's only Deanna who reassures her.

The Olds: See, I knew there was a reason why Iris talks so much. And "po" again. Sigh. Elly stops in twice a week -- wow! And we heard already about John and Mike doing totally unnecessary modifications to the apartment. And Liz really should talk with Iris about dealing with problems.

Pets: Elly doesn't like Shiimsa. Shiimsa doesn't like Elly. April tries to understand the animals; no one else does. We've been here before.

Friday, February 2

Oh lord, I don't think I'll be able to stomach this.

Panel 1: I forget who it was -- I'm thinking Groucho, but I could be wrong -- who said, "From the moment I picked up this book until the moment I put it down, I could not stop laughing. Someday I hope to read it." Also, it looks like the letter writer is calling Mike "son".

Meanwhile, here's one of my rejection letters, chosen at random. Dear Author, Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your work.

Panel 2: In their fall lineup? People in the know, how plausible is that? I'm glad someone acknowledged the "few adjustments", though. Of course, they'd never want to make any changes that did not rend at Sheilagh's very soul.

Due to a backlog of submissions, we regrettably must resort to this form letter. Please know that we have read and carefully considered your submission.

Panel 3: With his comments? No lawyer or anything? What, does he get to veto the terms on his own?

Unfortunately, we feel that your work is not right for us at this time. You will undoubtedly wish to submit to other agencies or publishers.

Panel 4: I know what, Deanna. Mike looks disgusting.

Thank you for your interest in (literary agency). We regret that we cannot offer representation, and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Panel 5: There's the fish-out-of-water look from Deanna. And Mike's expression is scary. Is he already planning his speech for when he tells Deanna that they're just not compatible any more and so forth?

Sincerely, Young Adult Department, (literary agency).

That really happens, too.

I suppose it's just as well, though. If Mike had gotten rejection letters, then we'd just have to hear about how stupid everyone who turned him down was, and he and Elly and Deanna would carry on as if no one had ever suffered such an indignity before.