January 31st, 2007

February retchcons

Okay, let's try this. I don't want to take down my speculative retcons, because I think they're funny. But today's strip needs a second thread. So if you can't navigate the first thread, post your comments here, and I'll open another thread when the retcons go up.

Elly: My son is a successful writer, and it's all because of me! Oh, and April's a spoiled princess.

John: Now that Mike is getting published, I can purchase the Tiny Train House! April's a spoiled princess, BTW.

Liz: Paul is a jerk, pardon my language. Anthony's coming by later to take me out for cinnamon buns. It'll be good to get away from that spoiled princess April.

April: My family is walking all over me with steel cleats, but that's okay. My brother is a published writer, and even though my dad says ambition is bad, it doesn't count in his case. Laters taters! Don't you love my phat slang?

Mike: Fain, that I should palpate the parchment of publication profundity! Lo, my spoiled princess sister knocketh; she must procure her undergarments from the wainscotting.

Deanna: Duh. I married the greatest guy in the world. Uh. Perhaps he'll remember my name soon. April is a spoiled princess.

Iris: Jim learned to hold his fork today. I wonder if anything interesting happened to his family lately? I'm off to water my plants.

The Pets: Elly hates Shiimsa. April is a spoiled princess.

Thursday, February 1

Freaking Yahoo! I had to use the HelloMetro link again.

Panel 1: So April has to point out the obvious again, while Deanna gets to hug Mike from behind, without getting to make eye contact, while squinching her eyes up in agony. "Wow" "awesome" and "I am so proud of you." It all sounds like he's 10 years old and got cast as a strawberry in the school play. But I suppose compared to his wife and sister's command of words, Mike's work really does look like artistry.

Panel 2: Merrie gets hugged by John, not Mike. Liz stands in the doorway, probably feeling like the world's biggest loser. And we get some publishing terms explained by Elly. Thanks, doll; now how about an explanation for WHY AND HOW THIS COULD HAPPEN?!

Panel 3: And there you have it, folks. John sums up FOOBiverse in one sentence. Pattersons never have to live with a real setback. One step backwards, five steps forward. The biggest loss they ever suffered was Farley's death, and they had his son right there to replace him. You might even say that the fire happened IN ORDER to make the book contract look like a triumph, because we sure never saw Mike struggling for acceptance before.

Panel 4: Shut. The. Frack. Up. And Liz is walking away, probably to brood about whether anyone will make her sky clear and bright.

Panel 5: 'S'okay, Liz. Granthony will wipe away your tears with his mustache.

But on the bright side, this means Monday's strip was not simply cut away from with no closure. I'll give the Lynnions half a point for that.