October 25th, 2005

eeknight: Huzzah!

I know you guys have seen it, but I'm promoting it for the enjoyment of visitors!

"So bored I'm having fantasies about the whole class breaking into song ala The King and I.

Or perhaps West Side Story:"


LIZ
Dear kindly Morsel-Sergeant,
You gotta understand,
It's just my crazy parent
That brought you to this land.
My mother's quite the meddler,
Who wants more progeny.
Golly Moses, natcherly I'm free!

LIZ / THE KIDZ
Gee, Officer Morsel, I'm/she’s very upset;
I/she never get the love that a gal oughta get.
I'm no frumpy teacher,
I'm going to seed!
Deep down inside me there is need!

LIZ
There is need!

ALL
There is need, there is need,
There is unmet need!
Come inside, and give her what she needs!

MORSEL: (Spoken) That's a touchin' sad story.

LIZ: (Spoken) Lemme tell it to the world!

MORSEL: Just tell it to your girlfriend. (sotto voce)I wanna get laid; I'm not here for drama.

LIZ
Dear Candace, former roomie,
My love life's such a mess.
Despite Howard's "going after,"
I'm horny, I confess.
My pussy's overpetted,
My sex toys all have names!
Leapin' lizardbreath! I think I'm going insane!

CANDACE: Right!

Officer Morsel, you're really a slouch;
This gal don't need a boyfriend, she needs a tenderer touch!
Examine her workwear, it's never a dress.
The proof's in the closet, she's a dyke!

LIZ
I'm a dyke?

KLASSROOM KIDZ
She's a dyke, she's a dyke,
She's motorbike dyke,
Like she's a total lipstick lez.

CANDACE: (Spoken) In the opinion of someone who knew her in her "lesbian until graduation" days, this girl is still closeted on account of she ain't had a normal home.

LIZ: (Spoken) Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived.

CANDACE: So take her to a therapist.

LIZ (Sings)
My mother is a meddler,
My dad he plays with trains.
My grandpa eats dog biscuits,
My grandma's growing hash.
My sister's a decade younger,
My brother's a P/A lout.
Goodness gracious, no wonder I'm freaking out!

SHARON EDWARDS-TAYLOR: (As Therapist) No!
Officer Morsel, you're really a slob.
This girl's no carpet-muncher, she's stuck here on this job.
Her family's made her run off to the woods,
Of her family, she's really and truly sick!

LIZ
They're all sick!

ALL
They're all sick, they're all sick,
They're all sick, sick, sick,
No wonder she ran, they're all sick!

SHARON E-T: In my opinion, this young woman doesn't need to come out of the closet at all, just change what's in it. A normal boyfriend's boxers and some closure with her mother would help!

LIZ: Hey, I got mother I'd like to see enclosed!

SHARON E-T: So take her to mother!

LIZ
Dear kindly meddling Mother,
You said go live my life.
I became a rural teacher,
Not some suburban wife.
It's not I'm anti-social,
I'm only anti-you.
Gloryosky! I should have gone to Kathmandu!

ELLY:
Eek!
Officer Morsel, you've muffed it again.
This girl don't need a career, she needs a bun in her oven.
It ain't just a question of a kooky family;
From the hair on downward, she's becoming me!

LIZ (horrified): I'm becoming Elly?

ALL
Liz is Elly, Liz is Elly!
Liz is inescapably Elly,
Like some Kafkaesque switch, Liz is becoming Elly!

CONNIE
The trouble's Elly's lazy.

GRAMPA JIM
From the lactose Elly laps.

JOHN
The trouble is she's mazy.

APRIL
The trouble is she flaps.

MIKE
The trouble is she's preachy.

THE READERS
The trouble is FOOB's a bore.

ALL
Officer Morsel, the lack of laughs has got us sore!

Gee, Officer Morsel,
We're starting to choke,
'Cause no one likes this beloved strip turned into a joke.
Gee, Officer Morsel,
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Morsel,
Come soon!

Wednesday, October 26

Panel 1: Dang! I wish I could draw perfect circles like that! Or does she have one of those chalk compasses?

Panel 2: Okay, I'm really picking a nit here, but that's a good answer, not good work.

Panel 3: Why does she look so manic? And snow machines? Like, snowplows? When I think "snow machine", I think of a machine that makes snow, but then, I'm in L.A. Anyway, if I didn't connect Polaris with the North Star, I would probably think of a submarine.

Panel 4: Sigh. I'm not sure what she's learning, but I'm getting rawther sick of these everlasting "Liz's students are smarter than she is" moments. Is she going to throw up? That's what it looks like.

Also, seeing the phrase "The earth revolves around the sun" on the blackboard, I can't help thinking of the Simpsons episode I was watching the other night. Springfield was ranked dead last in education, as evidenced by Principal Skinner repeating that phrase, while he was being burned as a heretic.

At any rate, I can easily see this taking up two weeks, since practically everything Liz says is the straight line for an irreverent Native quip. Is this a classroom or Theater Sports?