(Original Publication Date, 17 November 1990)
Dear Martha,
Have you have ever felt terrific and then have everything go horribly wrong?
When my love letter to you was returned because of insufficient postage, I was in the best mood possible. I was twirling with my hands in the air and with my face to the sky and my leg bent back almost touching my butt. It seemed a lot like I was imitating someone else’s dancing.
I thought “Returned due to insufficient postage! – I can’t believe I sweated for 4 days, and my love letter to Martha was returned!!” I know that it seems like I have been writing about this for 2 weeks, but my sister spent time torturing Farley 2 days ago and I spent time BOP!ing my sister yesterday; so it was necessary to remind you what was making me so happy, just in case you have a short attention span or something like that.
Not that I wanted to tell anyone the reason, but I was so happy I was actually picking up a math book and a sheaf of paper, like I was going to do homework. Can you believe it? Me, Michael Patterson, doing homework? Elizabeth was so astonished by this, she came up to me and said, “What’s with you?” I responded, “I dunno – have you seen that letter I had awhile ago?” She pointed to herself and said, “Yeah – an’ don’t worry…I put another stamp on it, an’ mailed it back to Martha!”
Horror of horrors! I went from the best of moods to the worst. I dropped that homework immediately. I knew nothing about proper postage, but there was a really good chance Elizabeth did. After all, she occasionally does homework. I might have to die from embarrassment all over again. It was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me!!!
Thanks for reading,
Michael
Epilogue: The Unseen Letter from Martha in response:
Dear Michael,
I got your love letter. I love you too. You may not remember this, but I was the one who kissed you first two years ago. I gave up my best friends for you. I dated Lawrence to make you jealous. I was the one who came up to you at the Valentine’s Day Dance this year begging forgiveness and a second chance. I invited you to meet my family. I have been going out with you almost every night for months. It's cute you are worried about people knowing you love me, but I think we are two years past that.
See you tonight for our nightly date and then see you tomorrow at school. By the way, the postal rate in 1990 is 39 cents.
Love,
Martha (not Marty or Mart or Mar or Ma or M and especially not Marthalicious)
Meanwhile: Back to the
dreadedcandiru2.