(Original Publication Date, 7 November 1990)
Dear Martha,
I did it. I wrote you a love letter. It has all the things I wish I could say in person, except written down. That’s how letters work, you know. It’s good for when you have a hard time talking. Or when you want to use words you really don’t know the meaning of but they sound good and you like using them except you can never remember them when you are talking or if you do use them people will make fun of you. I remember trying to use the word “ardency” and Gordon heard me and started saying, “Are dunce, eh?” You don’t have that problem with a letter.
I’ve written it twice. I’ve read it over and over. I know every line. I know what you are thinking. Which letter did I read over and over and memorize, if I have written the letter twice? Was it the first letter or the second letter? I will have you know that Michael Patterson is no “are dunce, eh?” I read and memorized both of them, but don’t ask me to see the first one, because it’s not as good as the second one.
I’ve put it in a blue envelope (Why is the envelope blue? Don’t ask. Let’s just say you should never put your envelopes where your sister can get to them).
I’ve put a stamp on the corner, and…. I am pretty sure it was a postage stamp. Are they different from regular stamps? Mine was like a square and completely white with nothing on it. That sounds right.
I put your address on the envelope. I also put my return address on the envelope. Why do I list all the things you need to do to mail a letter? It’s because people ask me if I have ever mailed a letter before. Just because someone saw me running around with my eyes on my forehead, with beads of sweat flying off my head, and jutting out my chin with only my bottom teeth showing in my mouth and yelling, “I’ve actually MAILED it!!” when I was standing near a mailbox, doesn’t mean I haven’t mailed a letter before. That’s just what I do whenever I mail people letters. It shows I care.
Thanks for reading,
Michael