Snarkers and Snarkettes, I give you...The Going After.
2005. Was it ever so long ago? In the year that I graduated high school, Hurricane Katrina flooded New Orleans, Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube was removed, Pope John Paul II passed away, and Michael Jackson was acquitted of child molestation charges. Also, Elizabeth Patterson was rescued by a jackass.
It started so harmlessly enough. Employed at Lawrence’s landscaping business, Elizabeth peaks the interest of Howard, with whom she is not impressed.
He might’ve had a better shot if he hadn’t started off with a sexist remark. Maybe.
Liz is quick to be cold, which is her right. Perhaps she senses that Howard only wants a hookup, or she doesn’t want to be involved with a coworker. Maybe she just finds him unattractive with his buzz cut and, um…big…head. Ugly Equals Evil in this world. Then again, Rudy was, as Candace put it, “no piece of calendar art” but he was one of my favorite characters. I guess a less than average looking guy is ok for Candace to hook up with but not for the PatterPrincess.
Whatever the reason, no means no, and she states her feelings quite clearly. Howard is undeterred.
This is literally the first time I’ve noticed the car in the final panel. For years I thought he was hiding in the tree.
Papa John is having none of this BS and goes to confront Howard. I would’ve taken a baseball bat just in case. That’s right, we’ve got three of ‘em.
To be fair, I’m not sure what the cops could do besides give him a warning, since she’s right, he hasn’t touched her. Yet. We’re getting there.
“By the way, Lawrence, my responsible and reasonable employer and friend since birth,” she should be saying. “That guy you hired to spread manure on the marigolds? He won’t leave me alone. In fact, my Dad chased him away from our house last night. Is there any way you could tell him to cut the shit, and oh yeah, make sure the two of us are never alone together?”
A part of me wants to smack her, but another part feels bad condemning her. Smarter women than Elizabeth have gotten into bad situations because of bad decisions. That’s how these things happen sometimes. You choose to go into the bad neighborhood alone, or you choose to get into that car with that guy. It doesn’t make you a bad person nor a stupid one. Just careless.
Finally, the assault. Elizabeth fights back, striking Howard in the face. She screams and calls for help. Howard is amused. Suddenly, arm!
Ok, Liz has a rescuer! Who’s it going to be? John, Papa Wolf protecting his little girl? Lawrence, kicking ass and breaking gay stereotypes? Or…
Anthony. Who, until this point…hasn’t even appeared in this arc. Um, random I guess. But whatever.
Ok, good Anthony! You’ve got him off Elizabeth and on the ground!
Apology demanding and ear tweaking. Interesting. I would’ve punched him in the face but that’s just me.
The point is you’ve got him subdued! Now all you have to is tell Liz to call the po…
NO! NO NO NO! YOU DO NOT LET HIM GO YA JERK!!! YOU HAD HIM RESTRAINED AND YOU JUST LET WALK AWAY!!! BAD BAD BAD!!!
Yeah, except that baby you have at home. Remember her? The one you browbeat your wife into…Oh why do I even bother?
There’s that blind Patterfaith in humanity yet again. It’s that thinking that allowed Kortney to rob your mother blind and got your father’s trains smashed to smithereens. Sometimes people just aren’t good. Sometimes they’re just ass scum and you’ve got to accept it.
Well anyway, you let Howard go like a dipshit but I’m sure you’re now going to do the correct thing and call the police. Right? Right?
Oh fuck you.
Now the interesting thing is the website’s strip catalog omits the two days where Anthony, as Cookie put it, dumped an emotional load on Liz. Trying to slide your pet’s worst moment under the rug, eh Lynn? Well, I’m not going to overlook it.
“Fascinating. By the way, can you drive me to the police station? I’m sure the cops would be very interested in the ATTEMPTED RAPE that happened five strips ago!”
You. Do Not. Do This. To Someone. After. They’ve Been. Assaulted. You do not take a person who just barely missed having one of the worst things aside from being murdered happen to her and start whining about your problems. You do not ask her to commit adultery, emotional or otherwise. You, Sir, are Dick Cheese. You are the worst, most self centered, selfish, most unlikable character in this strip. And considering Elly is the protagonist, that’s quite an achievement. Give you and your mustache a rousing pat on the back. You’ve earned it.
Oh, you “hafta.” Because filling out a police report is the most inconvenient part of almost being raped. And by the way, Sweetie, when you do finally file it, they’re going to want to know what took you so damn long to do it. Just so you know.
Cookie, as usual, makes a valid point. In her words:
“I would hate Anthony a lot less if he'd waited until the next time he and Liz met to tell of his failed marriage. Suppose Liz called him a week or two later, wanting to thank him properly because they hadn't really talked that day. They meet for coffee, and Ant begins, "You know, I'd thought *I* was having a bad day...The night before, I called Therese's phone and some GUY answered...I was going to ask you to lunch because I had to talk to someone about it...in fact, I think that's really why I went off on Howard so bad..." He could have been a much more sympathetic character that way.”