Snarky Candiru2

Saturday, 7 August 2021

The one where John does what John does and blames children for his having married a negligent fucking dumbass.

Panel 1: We start with John taking a plumber's helper to the commode so as to retrieve the things that went go-bye because no one cares to watch over April.

Panel 2: Next, he takes a roto-rooter to the toilet.

Panel 3: Finally, he curses under his breath because he had to remove the damned thing.

Panel 4: Rage-Faced Idiot John mutters "Whoever called this a convenience never had little kids."

Summary: If you really wanna see him turn magenta, try telling him that maybe someone should stop cowering behind his paper and watch over her.
Snarky Candiru2

Friday, 6 August 2021

The one where we remind ourselves that it's damned lucky April lived long enough to be a neglected and spat-upon teenager.

Panel 1: As John goes over the family finances, Liz shows up and tells him that she's made a sort of dictionary of the baby talk April uses.

Panel 2: Ah=bbo is April, Ah-poo is apple, boh is bottle, bungy is bunny and so on. They both agree this is very clever.

Panel 3: We set up tomorrow's effort by having Liz explain that except for the word "go-bye", every word April uses is close to standard English. John asks what a go-bye is.

Panel 4: We watch April flush his keys down the commode and say GO-BYE!!!!

Summary: Who do you imagine is going to be blamed for this? Hint: the child flushing things and not the imbeciles who fell asleep at the switch.
Snarky Candiru2

Thursday, 5 August 2021

The one where Elly has to go back to keeping Mike from being a belligerent and selfish asshole.

Panel 1: As Elly puts her dress back in the closet, she reminds herself that there's nothing like being away to make you appreciate being home.

Panel 2: She does the Stupid Hoop-Yah Dance when she lists the wonderful things about being home: she can sleep in her own bed, she can make coffee when she feels like making it and she can raid the fridge. Yes, being home is a wonderful feeling.

Panel 3: The wonderfulness ends when we're reminded who is also home: her assbucket of a son who threatens Liz with mayhem because he insists that she is wearing 'his' shirt when it's probably hers.

Panel 4: As she saunters down to break up another pointless fight sparked by the fact that Mike is a worthless piece of shit who hates the idea of sharing, she grumbles that it's too bad it doesn't last longer.

Summary: If Elly wanted peace in her house, she would do very well to; destroy the Looming Shape Of Imbecile Malice that haunts Liz's subconscious mind. Mike should be told to throttle down or get throttled because Liz didn't ask to get born either even if he does have to share crap.
Snarky Candiru2

Wednesday, 4 August 2021

The second strip that hints that Liz will be the same terrible parent Elly is because she too wants children to be apathetic slugs that don't bother her.

Panel 1: As she and Liz walk down the hall, Elly marvels that April's vocabulary has expanded in her absence and can't believe how much she's changed in the two weeks she was away.

Panel 2: Liz reminds us that she's a stereotypical dumb kid when she uses lazy child language to state that April can walk downstairs and take off her own socks.

Panel 3: We set up a punchline at children's expense when Liz marvels that April has boundless curiosity and always wants to try new things.

Panel 4: When they pass by the room of The North American Blithering Idiot, Elly's mood turns into one of stark horror when Liz asks how long it will be until April behaves normally.

Summary: Liz's lack of curiosity is fairly easy to explain as we had a child with undiagnosed myopia interacting with a world in which there is a Looming Shape Of Imbecile Malice that struck without warning and was never chased away. Mike's lack of curiosity is trickier to explain. Perhaps it has something to do with him trying things only to be slapped down by a Looming Shape Of Belligerent Self-Pity that saw everything he did as being bad and wrong.
Snarky Candiru2

Tuesday, 3 August 2021

The one with the greeting-card moral about small arms and big hugs.

Panel 1: We start things off with an exterior shot of the house. Liz points out that Mommy has returned and April says "SHRIEK!!!" because Lynn has not adapted the bande desinee protocol of using a red exclamation point to represent the happy incoherent noise children her age make.

Panel 2: When Liz tells her to wait for Elly to put donw her suitcase, April reminds us that Lynn wants to honor her UK relatives by babbling Mum-mum-mum.

Panel 3: She then yells MAMA and latches onto Elly's neck as if she's going to vanish if she turns her head.

Panel 4: Now that she's got a barnacle child clamped onto her again, Elly thought-bubbles that sometimes it's the smallest arms that give the biggest hugs.

Summary: Today, warmth. Tomorrow, Aaron gets slammed for being a couch potato.
Snarky Candiru2

Canadian Civic Holiday 2021

The one that hints that Liz will be the same sort of horrible screaming lunatic parent Elly is someday.

Panel 1: We start things off with a scene that would take place if Elly were in the next room because we have Liz as April's primary caregiver; as she points to Liz's mouth, nose and glasses, she wants to know what 'dis' is and is told what 'dis' are.

Panel 2: She keeps on playing 'Dis?" when she points to Farley, the window and the chair.

Penel 3: Liz says that they had a lot of fun but they've named everything in the house so should do something else.

Panel 4: We herald in a future where Liz sits in the back of a lima howling STOP!!!!!!!!! because simple wordplay is "obviously" an attempt to destroy her when April asks "Dat?" and Liz is baffled.

Summary: If you were paying attention, you'll notice that the baffled look on Liz's stupid face means that she's forgotten that she was a toddler already.
Snarky Candiru2

Sunday, 1 August 2021

The one where Elly wishes that her car would rat on Mike for having a social life.

Panel 1: We start things off with Mike telling a reluctant Elly that she can trust him with the Mom-mobile because he is responsible and junk.

Panel 2: The me that didn't sympathize with her ragging on Martha because she's a reminder that she's too weak to set boundaries doesn't sympathize with her standing there like a shivering pillar of shite watching him run off hooting in glee.

Panel 3: He plays loud headache music on her stereo.

Panel 4: He and Gordon pick up what Elly can only see as floozies at a fast food joint.

Panel 5: Dark-haired Girl puts a CD in the stereo.

Panel 6: We find the group at the beach changing in the car because the change room is closed for some reason or another.

Panel 7: More headache music is played because teenagers hate love and mother and kindness.

Panel 8: Achievement Unlocked: Second Base GET!!!

Panel 9: Later that night, Elly is grateful that he finally brought back her ride.

Panel 10: She stares the Eyeless Sideways Frown Of Utter Defeat because it can't rat him out for having a social life.

Summary: It's hard to feel sorry for a woman who digs her heels in when it don't mean shit but who also folds like Superman on laundry day when firmness is mission critical.
Snarky Candiru2

Saturday, 31 July 2021

The one where two boomer numbskulls piss and moan because their parents insist on growing old and dying.

Panel 1: Now that they're heading back East, Marian thanks Phil and Elly for their help moving in while Jim does the very futile thing called telling his children not to worry about them.

Panel 2: As they drive to the airport, Phil asks Elly if she thinks that their parents will be okay. She hopes so but will ask the family left behind to look in on them anyway.

Panel 3: Phil is the first out of the gate pondering on the alleged irony of the role reversal common to all people whose parents live long enough to need to be cared for. Elly seconds his emotion for a stupid reason.

Panel 4: Said stupid reason is that she's not ready to stop being the child.

Summary: This makes me glad that the strip did not cover Jim's passing as we would have been treated to the mawkish and stupid spectacle of Elly declaring herself a poooooooor orphan girl.