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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in The FOOBiverse!'s LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, August 30th, 2016
1:33 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Wednesday, 31 August 2016
Today, we present Revolting Hypocrisy Theater. This is because we have a woman who spent her life fixated on the wanderings of her husband mock girls for all being boy-crazy instead of worrying about important things.

(Strip Number 4853, Original Publication Date, 2 September 1987)

Panel 1: When Molly asks Lizzie how she likes second grade so far, she says it's okay.

Panel 2: She then reminds us that she's a boy-crazy teenager who doesn't understand what's important by asking if there are any cute guys there.

Panel 3: When Lizzie asks her if that's all she and Gayle think about, Molly says that they do think about other things.

Panel 4: Gayle says that they simply like to discuss them in order of importance.

Summary: Look for an echo of the Lynnsight to the 'I failed math' thing when Lynn castigates children for being children and wishes that she had actually listened to Monica instead of brushing her off.
Monday, August 29th, 2016
1:41 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Tuesday, 30 August 2016
For some stupid reason, Mike's homeroom teacher is horrified because the school board failed to break up a close group of friends like they're supposed to.

(Strip Number 4854, Original Publication Date, 3 September 1987)

Panel 1: As they get seated in class for their first day of sixth grade, Mike tells his chums that it's ever neat that they're all in the same homeroom.

Panel 2: As their teacher writes his name (Mr Warren) on the board, Mike opines that this is boy howdy gonna be the best year ever.

Panel 3: Lawrence agrees because someone knew they were best friends and always hung out together. This alarms Mr Warren.

Panel 4: He looks as if he's aged ten years when he thought-bubbles that someone has clearly made a grave mistake.

Summary: Now, were I a betting man, I'd say that the policy statement that mandates putting social circles into a blender and pressing 'puree' reads something a lot like "children benefit from new social experiences" or something feel-good like that. Given the look on Old Man Warren's ugly mug, what it means is "If we don't break a group of friends up, they're going to form a gang and KILL US!!!!!" (This, of course, should be followed by a shrill wail as one waves one's arms in the air like Kermit The Frog freaking out after dropping bad acid.)
Sunday, August 28th, 2016
1:38 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Monday, 29 August 2016
We begin the back to school arc with Elly not being able to quite cope with the fact that Mike is starting to transition from Evil Linus Van Pelt to Failed Cool Kid.

(Strip Number 1197, Original Publication Date, 31 August 1987)

Panel 1: When Elly expresses disbelief that Mike's going to wear a white shirt, white trousers and white shoes to school, he tells her that everyone's wearing white.

Panel 2: She tries to remind him that he's going to be racing around a playground like a maniac and thus leave her with stains to clean.

Panel 3: John cuts her off before she can stick her head in the oven and reminds her that sixth graders like Mike don't charge around playgrounds any longer.

Panel 4: He then delivers the first shot across the bow of the HMCS Pants Soiling Fear Of Adolescents by shivering in horror as he says that they loiter.

Summary: Mike isn't even a teenager yet and already, we get the whole entire "Today's rotten punk kids want to kick the dirt into our graves" gospel from a fear-filled idiot cartoonist. HONESTLY!!!! Why did these two idiots bother having children if they're only going to squeal in horror at every God-damned thing they do or say?! Was it so they could be miserable, confused, terrified and angry all the time?!
Saturday, August 27th, 2016
1:36 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Sunday, 28 August 2016
For reasons that will always confuse and anger Elly, Farley doesn't understand the stigma human beings attach to drinking out of the toilet and never will.

(Strip Number 7033, Original Publication Date, 30 August 1987)

Panel 1: As Elly does the dishes, she notices that Farley is panting like crazy.

Panel 2: She asks him if he'd like a drink of water.

Panel 3: She bends down and takes his empty water dish away to be washed.

Panel 4: She washes his water dish.

Panel 5: She checks to see if the water is the right temperature.

Panel 6: She fills the dish.

Panel 7: She sets the water dish in front of him.

Panel 8: He sniffs the dish to see if it's the right temperature.

Panel 9: He confuses her by walking away from her nice, clean dish of water.

Panel 10: When he noisily drinks out of the commode because he's a dog, Elly is outraged by his ingratitude because she's going to die not understanding he isn't people.

Summary: While we do know that a dog sees a toilet bowl as being a handy source of cool water, we also know that it doesn't look nice so we can sympathize with Elly....up until she starts screeching about a deliberate plot to embarrass and ruin her. This sort of inability to understand that Farley is not, as she once described him, a short, fat hairy guy with bad breath and a lousy vocabulary but is actually a dog with instinctive behaviours that remind us that he is not human comes into play when she screams at him for marking territory or going into the cozy spot she insists on putting plants in.
Friday, August 26th, 2016
1:38 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Saturday, 27 August 2016
We conclude the ritual castigation of Molly for being a seventeen year old girl by having Elly wish that she knew then what she knows now.

(Strip Number 4851, Original Publication Date, 29 August 1987)

Panel 1: As they get ready to have coffee, Elly reassures that since she was a goofy kid too, Molly will get over Rando.

Panel 2: She tells Connie that her own Rando entranced her so much that she couldn't sleep or eat and spent most of her mental capital fixated on him.

Panel 3: Noticing that Elly has trailed off, Connie demands to know the rest of the story.

Panel 4: Elly says that she failed math because she was so lost in love with a jerk who laughed at her.

Summary: Molly is quite possibly having a similar conversation as we speak. This outcome is not going to please the 1987 Connie because she doesn't like the idea of waiting for her step-daughter to be thirty seven to speak and act like a thirty seven year old woman because she wants her to think like she's thirty seven right the Hell now.
Thursday, August 25th, 2016
1:35 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Friday, 26 August 2016
Lynn takes the Thin White Duke's name in vain when trying to prove that Molly's love for Unseen Lad is superficial and silly and she should just turn her emotions on and off like a light switch to make life easier for that moronic flake Connie.

(Strip Number 4850, Original Publication Date, 28 August 1987)

Panel 1: Molly raises the damned good point of how arrogant Elly is to call some kid she's never going to meet a jerk.

Panel 2: Molly grudgingly admits that Mrs Patterson has a point about how she wouldn't treat him the way it looks like he's treating her.

Panel 3: She then reminds us that she's a kid who hasn't been around long enough to know better when she responds to Elly's cheery advise about flushing him by telling her that he means the world to her.

Panel 4: We remind ourselves that Lynn has a blind, knee-jerk hatred of anything remotely cool by having Molly baffle Elly by simpering that Rando's got all of her David Bowie tapes.

Summary: We get it. The kid can't know what love is because she doesn't have a ring on it. Move on. Also, we get another reminder of Lynn's belief that the only really good music is the kind someone like Elly can sing along to.
Wednesday, August 24th, 2016
1:26 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Thursday, 25 August 2016
Today's strip is one I've long had problems with. This is because it's the one that has Elly flat-out tell Molly that a boy she will never meet has to be a jerk because she has bad memories of a boy who was just not into her.

(Strip Number 4849 , Original Publication Date, 27 August 1987)

Panel 1: We find Molly telling Elly that she just doesn't understand something.

Panel 2: The thing not understood is that while she has written her boyfriend (who I'll call Rando) a hundred times, she hasn't heard back via phone or mail.

Panel 3: Maybe, she says, he's been too busy, maybe he's forgotten or maybe he doesn't know what to say.

Panel 4: When Elly tells her that maybe he's a jerk, Molly is gobsmacked.

Summary: He may well actually be a jerk. After all, I remember Dirk Dagger, Jeffo and the Continental. I also remember that Martha's parents hated Mike and were more vigilant about keeping her away from him than Elly has ever realized and thus tend to think that Greg would be similarly enthusiastic about disrupting Rando's attempts to keep things alive. What I don't know is why Elly thinks that a seventeen year old can be cajoled into turning her feelings on and off like a light switch.
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2016
1:57 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Wednesday, 24 August 2016
Today' strip is in the key of "Elly thinks her children are smarter than they actually are"; this is because Lizzie wants to wear her good clothes NOW while playing in the mud NOW. Also, Elly doesn't really back up a ban on things.

(Strip Number 4847, Original Publication Date, 25 August 1987)

Panel 1: We start things off with Elly telling Lizzie that she cannot wear the outfit she's pulled out of the closet because it's for school.

Panel 2: When she sees that Lizzie has disobeyed her, Elly folds and tells her that she can't take it outside.

Panel 3: When Lizzie goes outside, Elly caves and tells her to not get it dirty.

Panel 4: When she pulls Lizzie out of the mud puddle to yell at her for not listening to her, rage-faced Elly tells herself that NEXT year, she's going to wait until school gets in to buy back to school gear.

Summary: Since Elly doesn't want to admit that her children can't brain because they have the dumb, she acts as if they do things like this on purpose. Also, she doesn't want to admit that she is weak where firmness is required while adamant where flexibility is necessary.
Monday, August 22nd, 2016
1:55 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Tuesday, 23 August 2016
We take a side-trip to Reach-exceeding-their-grasp Land when Connie complains that Molly misses the boy she was forced to leave behind. This occasions a comment about how Elly and Connie don't know what love is either.

(Strip Number 4848, Original Publication Date, 26 August 1987)

Panel 1: Elly pays a visit on Connie as she asks if Molly and Gayle are looking forward to starting in a new school.

Panel 2: As she clutches on to her rake, Connie says that while Gayle wants to meet new friends and get back into roundball, Molly is another story.

Panel 3: This is because she's spent all summer in a blue funk because she thinks that the rando who freaked her dad out so bad, he moved five hundred miles away to save her from him is the love of her life when she clearly doesn't know what love is.

Panel 4: Elly gives Connie pause when she asks if anyone does.

Summary: This is possibly one of the last strips that has Elly admit that she's as confused and clueless as everyone else in the world. After this, she becomes an infallible, inflexible plaster saint. Also, Connie is the last person on the face of the Earth who should be making a sweeping declaration like this. What was the whole business of running away to Thunder Bay BUT being way too damned high school to live?
Sunday, August 21st, 2016
1:54 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Monday, 22 August 2016
As she gets the kids' school supplies organized, Elly gets lost in nostalgia and freaks out the kids.

(Strip Number 4846, Original Publication Date, 24 August 1987)

Panel 1: Having returned from an office supply store, a beaming Elly tells Mike and Lizzie that she's got their school supplies.

Panel 2: She delights in having acquired new notebooks, pencils, crayons, scissors and other necessities.

Panel 3: She waxes rhapsodic as she tells them she loved getting them when she was young because she loved the look, smell and feel of them.

Panel 4: A little while later, Mike asks John if he can stop watering the hedges to check on Elly; this is because he fears for her sanity because she's upstairs sniffing erasers.

Summary: Look for notes that whine that Laura will not enjoy sniffing a glowing rectangle.
Saturday, August 20th, 2016
1:47 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Sunday, 21 August 2016
Today is perhaps one of the last strips wherein Elly is allowed to have flaws. This is because she cannot seem to figure out that the reason John doesn't like to help out around the house is that she goes nuts whenever he does it his own way.

(Strip Number 6707, Original Publication Date, 23 August 1987)

Panel 1: We start things off with John asking Elly if he wants her to make a pot of tea. She agrees.

Panel 2: She sets the tenor for the strip by telling him that she doesn't want him to use the teapot he's holding.

Panel 3: The strip proper starts with her lecturing him like a big idiot about how she wants him to load the dishwasher her way.

Panel 4: She then grouses about how he could at least tidy up the counter after he's done with the dishes.

Panel 5: But he can't use the cloth he has in his hand.

Panel 6: He reaches his breaking point when told to put leftovers in a container instead of wrapping them in plastic cling film.

Panel 7: Since he knows he'll lose any argument that has as its basis the phrase 'What's the difference', he hands her the apron and tells her that he'll leave the rest up to her.

Panel 8: Later on, she sighs and tells Annie that John is the sweetest man on Earth as an opening for a complaint about him.

Panel 9: The complaint she wants to make is that for some reason that she doesn't understand, he absolutely hates to help out with the housework.

Summary: In Elly's defense, she doesn't seem to understand that she comes across as a geyser of pious noise about how not doing chores exactly her way will invite chaos, the heat death of the Universe and her mother teleporting in to tell her how ashamed she is of her. To condemn Elly, it must be noted that her belief that children and husbands are doing things 'wrong' to make more thankless work for her and her constant bellowing about how housework is slavery is why children and husbands are loathe to to help out.
Friday, August 19th, 2016
1:50 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Saturday, 20 August 2016
We put a punctuation mark on the Phil's wedding arc with a reminder that Elly seems to have neglected to properly explain to Lizzie what 'forsaking all others' and 'let no man put asunder' might mean.

(Strip Number 1195, Original Publication Date, 22 August 1987)

Panel 1: As he and Marian head out, Lizzie asks Jim if they're leaving already.

Panel 2: As he closes the trunk of his car, he reminds her that they came out for Uncle Phil's wedding and now that it's done, they're going home.

Panel 3: They hug as she agrees with Jim when he says that they've had a wonderful time.

Panel 4: Jim and Marian go into input failure when Lizzie says that maybe her uncle will get married again one day.

Summary: This would probably occasion a Panel 5 in which Elly is put on the spot for not properly explaining what a wedding ceremony is supposed to mean. Also, I remember an old Pogo in which Miz Beaver told Mamselle Hepzibah that you don't get married every day. Her response was to state it was a bad habit to get into.
Thursday, August 18th, 2016
1:47 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Friday, 19 August 2016
Today's strip has Marian and Elly be mildly confused by yet another reminder that John thinks mostly with his stomach.

(Strip Number 1194, Original Publication Date, 21 August 1987)

Panel 1: As she gets ready to head out to her and Jim's reunion, Marian tells Elly that she's made them pies, rolls, three kinds of cookies and two cakes.

Panel 2: This means that the family will have things to enjoy long after she leaves.

Panel 3: Elly tells Marian that she wants her to know how much the family will appreciate this.

Panel 4: Elly and Marian are mildly perplexed when John says they'll think of her every time they look at the freezer.

Summary: They really shouldn't be. This is because they should be well aware of his being really weird when he tries to pay someone a compliment as well as his not realizing when he's said something stupid like this.
Wednesday, August 17th, 2016
1:44 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Thursday, 18 August 2016
We revisit an old theme today when we contrast Marian's need to occupy her free time by baking goodies with Elly's need to unchain her poor oppressed mother from the stove and add in man-child John thinking mostly with his damned fat gut.

(Strip Number 1193, Original Publication Date, 20 August 1987)

Panel 1: We see a delighted John sniffing the air and thought-bubbling about how Marian is in the kitchen.

Panel 2: His face is fixed in an unsettling leer when he reminds himself that he looks forward to her incredible baking whenever she visits.

Panel 3: When he gets there, he comes upon Elly trying to get Marian to mix with the people and do something that isn't wasting her holiday in the kitchen.

Panel 4: Since John is a greedy shnook who loves treats, he blusters about how one cannot curb genius.

Summary: This is part of a two-parter that's pretty much the last bit of the Elly Patterson: Lethal Chef joke. After John buys her an up-to-date oven, her cooking becomes more palatable. Also, Lynn's mother must have tossed out an issue of Mad that would have put a new spin on things. In it, David Berg had someone in Marian's position muse that spending her time baking sure beat trying to make conversation.
Tuesday, August 16th, 2016
1:39 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Wednesday, 17 August 2016
Jim uses wordplay to try to convince his lard-skulled grandson that age is nothing but a number.

(Strip Number 1192, Original Publication Date, 18 August 1987)

Panel 1: Since Jim doesn't realize that his grandson thinks forty is too old to live because he has a mother and father who scream non-stop about how their lives are all used up, Mike's asking him point blank what being old is like astonishes him.

Panel 2: He then tries to explain that sixty-five isn't old. His only as old as you feel speech has him state that he's still young (in comparison to the old lady who used to live next door) and in the prime of his intellectual life. Sixty-five is simply a number.

Panel 3: For some reason that's probably related to Lynn's belief that people age terribly, his belly bulges out.

Panel 4: This occasions bad wordplay about it being a ROUNDED figure.

Summary: You can't actually blame Mike for thinking the way he does what with parents who spend their time wailing about being too old to live when they're only THIRTY FIVE!!! years old.
Monday, August 15th, 2016
1:27 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Tuesday, 16 August 2016
Jim tells Mike about an upcoming reunion with the rest of his RCAF squadron in such a manner that reminds him that old soldiers die just like everyone else.

(Strip Number 4845, Original Publication Date, 18 August 1987)

Panel 1: As Jim reads the paper, Mike asks him how long he can stay. Jim tells him only for a few days more.

Panel 2: He then tells Mike that he has to attend a reunion of his wartime RCAF squadron.

Panel 3: What he and the others like to do is meet up, tell old war stories and see what other people are up to.

Panel 4: Most importantly, they get together to see who's still alive forty years after the war and counting.

Summary: Given that thanks to cremation, Jim is currently in two places at once, I should think that we'd get a sort of reminder to thank a vet for our freedom while we still can.
Sunday, August 14th, 2016
1:34 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Monday, 15 August 2016
We begin the week with Marian reminding Elly that she cannot rely on only the stick and HAS to present the carrot at some point or another.

(Strip Number 4844, Original Publication Date, 17 August 1987)

Panel 1: We start things off with Elly marveling about how Lizzie let Grandma Marian put her hair in French braids.

Panel 2: She then asks why she'll sit still for grandma but she won't sit still for her.

Panel 3: Marian tells Elly that grandmothers have a special way with children; Lizzie confirms this thesis.

Panel 4: When she says that Marian paid her a dollar, Elly gives a smiling Marian a dirty look.

Summary: She would have given Marian the same dirty look if Lizzie had said "Grandma remembers that I feel pain" because Elly tends to forget this and man-handles her children because she clearly believes that they only pretend to feel pain to make her feel bad about doing what she has to do. She also tends to forget that children like to help grateful people who appreciate what they do instead of entitled boomer nitwits who simper "It's about TIME" at their teeming get.
Saturday, August 13th, 2016
1:28 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Sunday, 14 August 2016
Today's Sunday strip manages to lack Elly but still deliver our RDA of maternal martyrdom. This is because Annie tells Lizzie and her devil children to take Baby Leah out for a stroll only to have the stroller get wrecked by Mike and the other neighbourhood kids.

(Strip Number 7049, Original Publication Date, 16 August 1987)

Panel 1: For some reason, Annie is sitting for Lizzie today. This only adds to her endless burden as we see her try to cook supper only to be harrassed by horrible children who hate the idea of her having time to think. A yowling Baby Leah is reaching for the pot of hot goo, Chris asks his MAAAAAAAAA if he an'Lizzie can have a drink, Lizzie rats out Richard for callin'her a dummy and Richard is sticking his tongue out at Lizzie.

Panel 2: Since Lynn believes that it's her job to show motherhood as being damnation without relief or thanks, Annie screams in incoherent rage.

Panel 3: The strip proper begins with Annie putting Leah in her stroller and getting Chris and Lizzie to walk her around the neighbourhood.

Panel 4: As they head down the block, Annie waves them goodbye.

Panel 5: The sight-gag at the end gets set up when Chris and Lizzie encounter Mike and his roving band of scruffy idiot boys.

Panel 6: Mike takes Leah out of the stroller so Darryl can put Gordon in it so they can ride for some stupid reason.

Panel 7: Next, Darryl pushes Lawrence down the block because riding in things is fun.

Panel 8: Finally, we see Chris pushing Lizzie in the stroller.

Panel 9: They return to the Nichols's yard and hand the stroller back to Annie.

Panel 10: Annie's eyes are out on stalks when she sees the condition of the stroller.

Summary: What the Hell is the point of this? Who the Hell gets so bored, they wreck the Hell out of a stroller for kicks? Why do I assume that the answer to that question is Lindy Ridgway?
Friday, August 12th, 2016
1:33 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Saturday, 13 August 2016
We end the wedding ceremony arc with the family losing Phil's car keys in the Dumpster Of Destiny.

(Strip Number 4843, Original Publication Date, 15 August 1987)

Panel 1: As they drive home, Elly tells John that she doesn't mind using Phil's car but does object to the bric-a-brac tied to it because Lynn's first wedding dress got covered in ink because Doug's friends got stupid.

Panel 2: She then sets up the group stupid by pointing out the dumpster he lost his watch in.

Panel 3: John tempts fate by calling himself clever in avoiding an unnecessary trip to the nuisance grounds only to stop short. When he starts to panic, Elly asks what's wrong.

Panel 4: The rest of the family panics when he asks where the car keys vanished to.

Summary: The funny thing about John is that he's in the habit of losing car keys all the time. Just searching for 'keys' shows us that John is always losing the keys someplace.
Thursday, August 11th, 2016
1:31 am
[dreadedcandiru2]
Friday, 12 August 2016
We have a sort of cute vignette as the honeymooners celebrate their new status in life.

(Strip Number 1191, Original Publication Date, 14 August 1987)

Panel 1: As they unpack and start their honeymoon, Georgia reminds Phil that they got married today because she can't quite believe it happened.

Panel 2: When asked if she feels any different, she says not really.

Panel 3: This is because she feels like a partner, not a wife. (This is for people who view the kinship term 'wife' to be synonymous for 'chattel property', I should think.)

Panel 4: As they hug, Phil tells her "Put'er there, partner."

Summary: This seems to allude to Lynn's belief that common-law relationships are unbelievable. A lot of people see marriage as proving the seriousness of a relationship and Lynn speaks for her people. It also alludes to her belief that 'wife' also means 'slave' or something. HUM! Didn't Orwell have a word for what happens when a person believes in two contradictory opinions at the same time? Doublethink, wasn't it?
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