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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in The FOOBiverse!'s LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, June 29th, 2016
1:13 am
Thursday, 30 June 2016
We have a bit of a break from the wild animal act so that we can be reminded that Lizzie is a messy eater.

(Strip Number 4828, Original Publication Date, 2 July 1987)

Panel 1: As she potters around in the garden, Mike tells Elly that he took Lawrence around to reintroduce him to the neighbors and invited some kids over for some popsicles.

Panel 2: Elly asks him how they knew that the Pattersons had popsicles to have.

Panel 3: As he shows Elly Lizzie's stained face and shirt-front, he tells her that word leaked out.

Summary: Oddly enough, this is the one strip I expect to see a Lynnsight attached to. Lynn never misses a chance to blast her kids about messy eating. Also, this is the first part of a two-parter.
Tuesday, June 28th, 2016
1:11 am
Wednesday, 29 June 2016
When Lawrence tries to remind Molly that Greg is just as guilty (if not more) of moving them to Milborough as Connie is, Molly comments on how her dad is never around when she's angry enough to complain about things.

(Strip Number 4827, Original Publication Date, 1 July 1987)

Panel 1: Having noticed his mother's wailing about wild animals and rejection, Lawrence angrily asks Molly if she was dumping on her again. She defiantly confirms this.

Panel 2: Molly blames Connie for having to move; they didn't HAVE to move away from her forever love but Connie steamrolled her dad into agreeing to move away.

Panel 3: Lawrence points out it was her dad who got promoted and wanted to move so she should dump on him too.

Panel 4: Molly gets sort of wistful as she complains that he's never around when she needs to vent.

Summary: This means that we can sing the ballad of Brave Sir Greg: "When conflict reared its ugly head/he bravely turned his tail and fled!" It also means that Connie has being made a wicked stepmother thrust upon her by a stupid man who hates having to defend a stupid position. Given that she's a dimwitted flake, she still doesn't realize it.
Monday, June 27th, 2016
1:09 am
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Connie proves herself to be a melodramatic idiot in her own right when she wails about wild animals; this leads to an open invitation to come over to Elly's place so they can both whine about how horrible children are.

(Strip Number 4826, Original Publication Date, 30 June 1987)

Panel 1: A little while later, we find Connie slumped forward in defeat telling her fellow fragile incompetent mother that Molly and Gayle are going to drive her crazy.

Panel 2: She's tried being a mother, a friend and a confidante but she keeps getting shut down.

Panel 3: Since she's not especially aware that she's being used as a human shield, she wails about being in a cage with wild animals with nowhere to turn.

Panel 4: Elly extends an open invitation to Connie to open her front door, turn left and come to her place so they can resume complaining about how evil children are.

Summary: As we'll see tomorrow, there's a good reason that Connie is seen as a wicked monster that selfishly uprooted Molly and Gayle for a selfish and cruel reason. The Connie of 2016 still hasn't figured it out and probably never will but the plain fact is that she is married to that good reason.
Sunday, June 26th, 2016
1:07 am
Monday, 27 June 2016
Connie's overconfident comment about giving her blended family the stability she enjoyed as a child smashes head-first into Molly's gloomy comment about wanting to get away from her horrible place of exile.

(Strip Number 4825, Original Publication Date, 29 June 1987)

Panel 1: As she empties the last box of her belongings, Connie tells Elly she hopes to never have to move again.

Panel 2: She reminds Elly that her parents had the same house on the same block for twenty years and would like to give her kids that sort of stability.

Panel 3: As Featherhair McEmo slouches into the room, Elly asks Molly what she thinks of her new home.

Panel 4: Connie rolls her eyes in irritation when Molly slumps away saying that she can't wait to move out.

Summary: Well, she gets her wish in a year and a half or so of being treated like something Connie dug outta her ear. Connie might SAY that she wants to be a mom but her actions speak a lot louder. Also, tomorrow, Connie behaves as if she's the only step-parent not immediately warmed to in the history of ever.
Friday, June 24th, 2016
10:53 am
Graceland, Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee......
One of the latest news entries has Lynn talking about her time at this year's Reuben Awards:

Collapse )

- She appears to left her camera at home this time out.
- She seems quite taken with this music group.
- She seems even MORE taken with Paul the jazz musician.
- The active hatred Mike and Martha have for Elvis seems to stem directly from Lynn's own distaste for a man she knew little about. Simply put, she forgot there was a regular person under the sequined jumpsuit. (Also, her heart belongs to Bobby Curtola.)
Saturday, June 25th, 2016
1:04 am
Sunday, 26 June 2016
Today, Lynn subverts her mentor's "underaged debate club" concept by mutating a discussion about when life begins into more harsher-in-hindsight wailing about how put-upon Elly is and how she has noooo help and noooo time to herself and is stuck against her will with horrible life-draining children who spread CHAOS because they hate her.

(Strip Number 6705, Original Publication Date, 28 June 1987)

Panel 1: We start things off with Gordon, Lawrence and Brian arguing about something as a silhouette approaches them. Gordon is firm in his position while the other two do not believe him.

Panel 2: Said silhouette turns out to be Michael who asks them what they're arguing about.

Panel 3: What they're arguing about is when life begins. Gord reports that his mother believes it begins at conception.

Panel 4: Lawrence states that his mom says that life begins when the baby is born.

Panel 5: Since Brian says that life begins when the baby starts to look and act like one without quoting his mother as an authority figure, it's likely that he's quoting his cartoonist as one.

Panel 6: Since they're at a stalemate, they tell Mike to ask his mother when she thinks life begins.

Panel 7: He goes in to ask Elly when Life begins.

Panel 8: When he comes back out, they ask him when his mother thinks life begins.

Panel 9: He says that she hopes that it begins at forty.

Summary: Yuck. Just.....yuck. As if we needed another reminder that Elly pure-D HATES being a mother to small children. Too bad for her and for all of us and especially for the Martian, her "life" begins when she's sixty. Also, don't look for her to admit that she really frakked up and got a shit-load of hate mail for shoving people's noses in the abortion mess.
Friday, June 24th, 2016
1:52 am
Saturday, 25 June 2016
We find out why Lawrence was happy about the idea of moving back home when we remind ourselves that it's because he knows that he can rely on having a stupid friend like Mike who doesn't question arsebucket logic about how fun it is to be the piece of shit kid brother from Curtis.

(Strip Number 1168, Original Publication Date, 27 June 1987)

Panel 1: Having successfully avoided getting their heads beat in for publicly embarrassing Molly and Gayle, Mike wants Lawrence to see if they're gone. Lawrence says yes, they are.

Panel 2: Since he's not used to being on the receiving end of angry idiocy that wishes to avenge minor frustration with major violence, Mike describes Molly and Gayle with an adjective Lizzie applies to him: 'vicious.'

Panel 3: He sets up the punchline by talking about their angry reaction to being teased.

Panel 4: When Lawrence says that watching them overreact is WHY he teases them, Mike proves himself to be his mother's son by behaving as if something pretty much self-evident is some shocking thing that no one in the history of ever has ever said.

Summary: I think it might actually kill Lynn to not have people be gobsmacked by the amazingly obvious. She seems to think "blindingly obvious or predictable phenomenon plus reaction of sheer confusion equals comedy gold."
Thursday, June 23rd, 2016
1:50 am
Friday, 24 June 2016
Lawrence seems to have adapted quite well to the role of "asshole kid brother with an over-weening need to humiliate and embarrass his older sisters".

(Strip Number 1167, Original Publication Date, 26 June 1987)

Panel 1: Molly turns to look down at Mike and Lawrence and talks down to them when she reminds them that she and Gayle are teenagers and thus don't actually want or need little boys tagging along behind them.

Panel 2: Since Mike is Mike and gets enraged when told what he can't do, he's filled with fury; Lawrence tells him to calm down and wait for them to get a block ahead.

Panel 3: He then defends his friend by catcalling as loud as he can.

Panel 4: He's filled with glee when he tells Mike to run for his life.

Summary: God DAMN it but it's irritating to have to remember that Lawrence is only doing this because Mike hates to be told where he can't go. I thought he was being a jerk for jerkishness's sake but he also has to avenge a slight to male dominance or some shit.
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2016
1:48 am
Thursday, 23 June 2016
Molly will allow herself to be seen in her place of exile if there's a chance to be seen by a replacement for the person pansy Greg was afeared of.

(Strip Number 4824, Original Publication Date, 25 June 1987)

Panel 1: When Mike offers to show Molly and Gayle the neighbourhood, she says no.

Panel 2: She also refuses to allow them to show her the park and corner store because she thinks she can pout herself all the way back to Thunder Bay because she's like fifteen or something.

Panel 3: Lawrence demonstrates a slightly better handle on what drives her when he points out male contemporaries with access to motor vehicles.

Panel 4: Molly makes a show of how she and Gayle will lower themselves to inspect their place of exile.

Summary: Does Gayle actually think or speak for herself or did she spend her whole life letting Drama Bomb Lass push her around? It's as if she has no will of her own. Also, it's annoying to have to remember that both sides are clearly in the wrong here. Connie thought she could work miracles and Molly never gave the place a chance.
Tuesday, June 21st, 2016
1:46 am
Wednesday, 22 June 2016
Lawrence explains why it is that Molly is acting up in a manner that makes her look like a flake.

(Strip Number 4823, Original Publication Date, 24 June 1987)

Panel 1: Mike joins Molly and Gayle in viewing life as a fairy-tale by trying to commiserate with Lawrence about having two ugly step-sisters. Lawrence defends them sort of by saying that they're not so bad.

Panel 2: What happens to be wrong with Molly is that she had to leave her boyfriend behind and she isn't dealing with it as well as old people who've forgotten what it was like to be young had hoped.

Panel 3: She cried all the way to the town of Marathon and wouldn't even have lunch at the truck stop because her eyes were red.

Panel 4: When Mike asks why that's a problem. Lawrence makes a snotty comment about how girls have to look good at truck stops. (Since Mike's an idiot, he doesn't realize that Lawrence has just called his step-sisters morally loose.)

Summary: Lawrence is about to prove himself to be another one of the things that stink about Milborough. He already thinks Molly's feelings are a joke and that she's a tramp who'll give it up for chewing gum but he's about to get himself a posse of scruffy little boys to torment her with.
Monday, June 20th, 2016
1:44 am
Tuesday, 21 June 2016
Elly's prediction that children can instantly adapt to sudden shifts in their environment collides messily with the reality that Molly still sees Milborough as a place of exile designed to cut her off from her friends.

(Strip Number 4822, Original Publication Date, 23 June 1987)

Panel 1: As she continues moving into the new house, Connie complains to Elly about the hardship of not getting immediate buy-in to throwing her weight around like a dumb bully.

Panel 2: This is because while Lawrence has been excited to move back, the girls hate the idea because Connie and Greg uprooted them from their social circle for a questionable reason.

Panel 3: Questionable Reason In Question Elly makes an overly optimistic prediction that once they get settled in, they'll be fine with living in a strange place where they're the new kids.

Panel 4: Molly declares that she will go into the house, but don't expect her to live there.

Summary: Elly should probably stop talking about things she doesn't know about. She spends her time giving Connie terrible advice and it drives a wedge between her and her step-daughters.
Sunday, June 19th, 2016
1:41 am
Monday, 20 June 2016
We begin two years of Connie squealing about wild animals when Molly announces that she and Gayle would rather be home with their friends than in a strange place so their step-mother can drink coffee with an insane freak who spends her time hollering at nothing.

(Strip Number 4821, Original Publication Date, 22 June 1987)

Panel 1: We begin things with a delighted Mike telling Elly that Connie, Lawrence and the girls have finally arrived.

Panel 2: As Connie, Elly, Mike and Lawrence happily reunite, Molly and Gayle are not as thrilled to be in the pokey little town their wicked step-mother dragged them to.

Panel 3: Connie wants Molly and Gayle to meet Elly; this isn't going to go well because Molly is giving Elly the Penetrating Death Stare and Gayle acts as if Elly is about to spit venom in her face.

Panel 4: Frustrated Connie is frustrated because Molly wants Elly to know that she and Gayle are there against their will.

Summary: Theatrical, isn't she? Most of the whining bullcrap about how she EMBRACED THE DARKNESS and TURNED HER BACK ON HER PARENTS' LOVE seems to stem from the fact that stupid people named Connie, Elly and Greg don't quite know how to relate to a melodramatic kumquat in feathered hair that's a bitch to colorize who thinks that she's the only person ever to have Mommy run off on her, get a step-mom, move and leave her boyfriend behind her. This is possibly because Connie and the gang are drama majors in their own right who believe that they're the only people on Earth who've ever had to deal with a child acting out because she thinks the world is falling apart.
Saturday, June 18th, 2016
1:39 am
Father's Day 2016
Mike and Lizzie give John a wonderful gift this Father's Day: the gift of not getting lectured to by an angry idiot who can't let herself relax.

(Strip Number 7242, Original Publication Date, 21 June 1987)

Panel 1: We start things off with Lizzie asking John what he most wants to do this Father's Day now that he can do anything he wants to.

Panel 2: He's almost in the grip of a sort of religious fervor when he says that he wants to spend the day in his workshop.

Panel 3: A little while later, we find John in the workshop as Mike comes in and tells him that there's a phone call for him.

Panel 4: We see John on the kitchen phone talking to someone.

Panel 5: Since he's John, it should come as no surprise that he's tracked sawdust all over the house like a big clueless idiot.

Panel 6: Lizzie tells Mike to lookit the sawdust John has tracked all over the house so that Lynn can slam Rod for playing with tools when she needs someone to hand her beer and snacks and also to slam her children for not coming out of the womb speaking perfect English.

Panel 7: Mike and Lizzie evilly and criminally remember that this will cause Elly to deliver Angry Lecture About How She Isn't A Slave Number 17A.

Panel 8: To protect him from getting a reminder to practice sensible work habits on his special day, they sweep up his mess for him.

Panel 9: They then wish him a happy Father's Day.

Summary: While on the one side, I'd rather not have Elly bray about her clean floor, I'd also like to not have John afford her the opportunity to. Tracking crap all over the house because you're too dim to remember is a lousy habit to get into and one shop teachers actively discourage.
Friday, June 17th, 2016
1:33 am
Saturday, 18 June 2016
Georgia thinks that hectoring Phil about his smoking habit will carry more weight after they get married.

(Strip Number 4820, Original Publication Date, 20 June 1987)

Panel 1: When Elly asks Georgia what Phil is doing, she tells him that he's sneaking yet another smoke.

Panel 2: He doesn't think she saw but she knows that's what he's doing.

Panel 3: Since Elly cannot be asked to remember that Georgia has her own family, she tells her to listen to Marian about how people are what they are and not to try to change him.

Panel 4: Georgia sort of agrees with this and says that she'll wait until after they are married.

Summary: I don't know about that. The more you push some people, the more they tend to dig in. Anyway, that's it for the wedding for now. Monday, Connie comes back and she has a butthurt teenager with her. Enjoy.
Thursday, June 16th, 2016
1:32 am
Friday, 17 June 2016
Phil thinks that he's successfully hidden sneaking a smoke from Georgia.

(Strip Number 4819, Original Publication Date, 19 June 1987)

Panel 1: As Georgia walks out on the porch, Phil makes a show of rapidly inhaling and hiding something from her.

Panel 2: He holds his breath for some odd reason.

Panel 3: She gives him a quizzical look and walks back into the house.

Panel 4: After she goes back into the house, he exhales the smoke he's been withholding.

Summary: It so happens that the Richards men have an odd habit of only thinking that their wives don't know when they've been sneaking smokes. This arrogant, condescending idiocy seems to be located on the Y chromosome.
Wednesday, June 15th, 2016
1:30 am
Thursday, 16 June 2016
John demonstrates a valuable lesson: "Never let someone as gullible and thin-skinned as Elly know what you really think of the unflattering clothing she insists on buying."

(Strip Number 4818, Original Publication Date, 18 June 1987)

Panel 1: The reason Elly called for John is that she wants to show off the ultra-ugly designer outfit she blew heavy coin on.

Panel 2: She boasts about how the padded shoulders and over-sized top create a box-like silhouette that doesn't flatter her physique in the slightest before asking him if he likes it.

Panel 3: Since he likes things like 'breathing', 'eating' and 'peace and quiet', he lies like a motherhubbard about how flattering the horrible eighties outfit of making Olive Oyl look like a waitress at Hooters is.

Panel 4: He then tells Phil "So much for honesty in marriage."

Summary: We have just learned that not getting killed by an angry idiot who doesn't want to admit that she got suckered by a huckster designer is a better virtue than honesty.
Tuesday, June 14th, 2016
1:27 am
Wednesday, 15 June 2016: I have plan for John....MORE PAIN.
For some unguessable reason, it's funny that Phil understands a reference to stupid advice that John gives that likens Elly to an old car that's reassuring by its dull, predictable presence while she herself is clueless.

(Strip Number 4817, Original Publication Date, 17 June 1987)

Panel 1: Since Lynn insists on not understanding why Alan was cool to the idea of her talking about his private life, we find ourselves watching Phil tell John that since he and Elly seem to be doing okay, marriage itself might not be so scary.

Panel 2: John starts off pretty good by telling Phil that a marriage is about openness, honesty and understanding and that one has to be sensitive to the other person's whims, weaknesses and idiosyncrasies. (It should be noted here that he honours this more in the breach than in the observance.)

Panel 3: He proves my point about him not living up to the standards he sets others when he devolves back into John Patterson by likening marriage to driving an old car. As he walks in the house, Elly calls for him.

Panel 4: Since she has no real idea that John thinks that comparing her to an unglamorous but reliable vehicle is a warm and valued compliment, it's funny that she's gobsmacked when he asks if she's honked for him.

Summary: The Pattersons are great at giving advice but not so great at actually following it. This is because they are all Lynn. Also, John and Phil are both massive diameter dickholes to think that comparing a woman to an object is a great thing.
Monday, June 13th, 2016
1:24 am
Tuesday, 14 June 2016
For some reason, Georgia takes yesterday's tiny little reverse as an excuse to rant about the disaster wedding that she's looked forward to since she was Lizzie's age.

(Strip Number 4816, Original Publication Date, 16 June 1987)

Panel 1: Having taken Lizzie's comment about how scary it is to be first the wrong damned way, Georgia has a melt-down about how she KNEW her wedding would be a disaster.

Panel 2: This is because one of her bridesmaids can't make it, she didn't actually want to say Yes to the Dress and the band she hired for the reception backed out before whining about what a headache all this is.

Panel 3: Elly suggests the simple, stress-reducing solution (that she would never dream of doing herself) of eloping.

Panel 4: Georgia can't go for that because she's looked forward to this for years.

Summary: She seems to have something of a bit of a problem with hypocrisy herself, doesn't she? She's having a slow-speed fit about the stress of it all while thinking it's a walk in the park for Phil. All he has to do is stand there in a suit while she goes nuts.
Sunday, June 12th, 2016
1:22 am
Monday, 13 June 2016
We return to the wedding preparation story arc when Lizzie balks at being flower girl because she's not surrounded by a comforting crowd that can protect her from the Looming Shape Of Imbecile Malice that haunts her subconscious.

(Strip Number 4815, Original Publication Date, 15 June 1987)

Panel 1: Having explained that Marian has put the finishing touches on Lizzie's flower girl dress, Elly asks Georgia what she thinks.

Panel 2: Georgia tells Lizzie that she's going to be the prettiest flower girl in the world.

Panel 3: Georgia then explains that Lizzie will be the first member of the wedding party to come down the aisle. Before she can explain what she expects of her, panicky Lizzie blurts out "FIRST?"

Panel 4: When she half-way shrieks that she doesn't WANT to be first because she's terrified of crowds, Georgia's eyes are out on stalks because she hears something different: "I WANT TO RUIN YOUR WEDDING BECAUSE I'M BAD!!!"

Summary: This is sort of proof of Elly's belief that her soon-to-be sister-in-law-by-law doesn't really get children. Just as Panicky Idiot Bridezilla Lizardbreath screams STOP!!!! at the Weird Frenchy Girl because she thinks that silly word play will somehow ruin HER day, Georgia is transfixed by the notion that life will be ruined forever because a frightened child is terrified of the prospect of marching down an aisle of strange (and thus by definition hostile) faces.
Saturday, June 11th, 2016
1:19 am
Sunday, 12 June 2016
It's time for another Unintentional Hypocrisy Theater when Elly interrupts a pointless argument with John to tell the kids to argue about something that actually matters.

(Strip Number 6704, Original Publication Date, 14 June 1987)

Panel 1: We find John soaking in the tub and declaring it to be the place where a man can escape his daily troubles.

Panel 2: As if on cue, Elly asks if she and her need to inject pointless conflict into a situation can come in.

Panel 3: The strip proper begins when she gets on his case about starting a new bar of soap before the old one is all used up.

Panel 4: When he asks what the problem with that is, she doubles down on the angry martyrdom when pointing out that she's left with a bunch of soggy little lumps in the soap dish.

Panel 5: When he says he can't take all the blame for it, she starts in by saying it's mostly him. She then notices something that has to be suppressed and tells him to hold on for a second.

Panel 6: Rage-Faced Elly stomps down the hall to bellow at someone for piddly crap no one else but her would be infuriated by: her children doing the are so-are not thing.

Panel 7: It so happens that Lizzie wants Mom to FORCE Mike to admit that she's six and a half. Lizzie should know better by now.

Panel 8: I think she does learn better when Elly does the palms out pleading gesture of Why Are You EVIL CHILDREN Wasting My Time and half-way shrieks "HONESTLY! If you're going to argue about something, make it WORTHWHILE!"

Summary: Not only is Elly a dimwitted hypocrite, she also packs a lot of negative meaning into the word 'honestly.' When she uses it, it usually means that she thinks that the person she's bellowing at is trying to waste her time on something stupid out of malice.
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